My friend John suggested the book "Private Thoughts" by Wendy Maltz & Suzie Boss, c 1997, 2001, ISBN 1-57731-146-9, first printed in 2001. 1 predicted it would be just another Nancy Friday narrative, but it proved to be otherwise. This book is outstanding. It actually presents a thesis on the why and how of female fantasies. It explains many things about the female psyche.
The two main things I learned from the book are: 1. There is always a reason for a fantasy. Sometimes it is obvious, sometimes it is deeply hidden. 2. There is a lot of good self hypnosis out there and there is a lot of bad self hypnosis out there.
I have included some of the highlights of the book. In this, you will see many things discussed by Mark, especially "The romantic hero" and "Women select different men for different reasons at different times in their lives." You will also see much of what he discussed in "Scoring with Married Women." You will also see evidence of the inspiration for Rick H's pattern "Remember when you were a little girl, and you imagined your ideal man..."
"Women's fantasies evolve and change over the course of a lifetime for all sorts of reasons. A woman's fantasy life is often a reflection of her search for sexual power, pleasure, and identity that started in childhood. We can categorize scripted fantasies according to six different roles: Pretty Maiden, Victim, Wild Woman, Dominatrix, Beloved, and Voyeur.
"The Pretty Maiden: Many women have grown up hearing that it's feminine and pleasurable to be sexually submissive. Because this is such a prevalent, socially acceptable message, the Pretty Maiden role is one of the most common fantasies that women describe. Women are giving themselves a role in which they can freely enjoy sexual pleasure without feeling guilty or inhibited. Because they are 'done to,' they don't have to feel any shame about the pleasure they imagine experiencing. They can picture being wantonly sexually responsive and leave out any thoughts of negative consequences or condemnation from others. In this role, a woman can consider herself virtuous, even mysterious, by having hidden passion. Being swept away by her partner's desire also sweeps away any need for her to be an initiator to let her passions out.
"The Victim: Women who adapt a victim role imagine being forced into sexual situations against their will. They link sexual excitement with images of being controlled, dominated, or even hurt. They often say they feel intense sexual pleasure as a result of the fantasy and the adrenaline rush that comes with it. Temporarily and
DAVID SHADE'S MANUAL without any real danger, they can indulge their curiosity about dangerous sex.
"The Wild Woman: Pleasure is the driving force in this fantasy role. A woman is worthy of receiving as much love and attention as she can possibly get. She enjoys a total lack of guilt. Some women exaggerate their sexual prowess and energy. Often, women imagine playing out this role in public places, with multiple partners, or in other ways that boldly flaunt sexual conventions and restrictions.
"The Dominatrix: In this role, a woman is aroused by her own power and her erotic control over others. Her fantasies focus on getting a partner to do what she wants. She gets an erotic thrill from power.
"The Beloved: This role plays out in the realm of emotional intimacy where lovers experience lust that starts in the heart. The woman and her partner feel lucky to have found each other. They are star crossed lovers, with a connection that feels rare, special, even spiritual. Her fantasy lover believes in her. He is not threatened by her intellect or her ambition. He's strong and self reliant. But he can't get enough of her, nor her of him. They are the only ones who can quench each other's mutual attraction. Women like the Beloved role because it allows them to blend intimacy and caring with sex.
"The Voyeur: A woman's voyeuristic fantasy gives her a buffer zone from the erotic action, almost like a fantasy within a fantasy. A woman can enjoy the heat of a sexual scene without having to take on a particular role herself. She can remain passive in terms of the primary sexual action. The erotic tension she feels can be heightened if there's a chance she will be discovered."
Where Sexual Fantasies Come From "Sexual fantasies often begin in childhood with romantic or sensual ideas that become sexual as girls mature. Through fantasy, children create a very private, inner playground. It's a perfect place for girls to develop and explore all sorts of new ideas, including their private sexual thoughts."
How Lovely to be a Woman. "As part of their quest to understand who they are, girls from a young age try on different fantasy images of what it means to be female. Girls' early role playing about outward appearances often exaggerates qualities they identify as being feminine."
I've Got a Crush on You. "First fantasies often begin as crushes. From elementary school until well into their teens, girls often shower their romantic hopes and dreams on a love object who typically doesn't know they exist and is completely unavailable. As a result, they were free to imagine falling in love with none of the risks of a real entanglement. Many women remember having a crush on a favorite teacher, an older brother's friend, or a classmate. But usually, they kept these close range crushes a secret.
"In a positive way, a girl's crush reinforces her view of herself as being worthy of a love and attention. The fantasy tells her she's lovable, a match for someone attractive. As part of the starry eyed logic of crushes, girls imagine that their love can heal through the power of their own affection, and that their dreamboats would truly 'Love Me Tender,' if only they had a chance to meet in real life. Crush fantasies usually
DAVID SHADE'S MANUAL need to keep a distance. A young girl's sexual energy needs to travel a one way street in a crush. She may not be developmentally ready to feel any sexual energy coming back at her. Crushes allow us time to rehearse for real relationships."
What a Feeling. "Sexual awakening sometimes happens suddenly when real life delivers an experience that stimulates the senses in a new, unexpected way. Maybe it was feeling a jet of bath water on their vulva, or a lovely throb of sensations while seated on a bike, or a thrill when they slid down a banister, or smoothed body lotion on their nipples. And because it felt so good and exciting, they often went looking for that feeling again, in their fantasies. Some women remember experiencing their first boldly sexual feelings or thoughts in a dream. Many women remember experiencing their first feelings of sexual pleasure during innocent childhood sexual play that involved kissing, touching, or hugging."
Beauty and the Beasts. "The fantasy formula is a classic: Female beauty tames raw, dangerous male power. Growing up, most women see repeated models of a beautiful female being objectified, controlled, and overwhelmed by a man who then falls in love with her. Her beauty and charm bring a strong man to his knees. In these fantasies, we eroticize fears or other emotional distresses. As an adult she finds herself aroused by thoughts of sexual aggressiveness, danger, and betrayal, because those are the ideas she first wired up as being erotic."
So This Must be Sex. "Childhood curiosity about sex led some women to readily available sex fantasies. Prepackaged, pornographic images and scenarios sometimes seduced, tantalized, and molded their earliest erotic thoughts. Some were lead to more information then they were developmentally ready to handle."
Hostile Takeovers. "Women who were sexually abused as children were introduced to sex prematurely and often traumatically. In some cases, their fantasy life was taken by someone else. The sexual fantasies women experience as adults often contain some truth or insight about their past. Some women can see how their fantasy lives developed to reflect what they enjoyed as girls, while others have created adult fantasies as a way overcome the past.
How Fantasies Help Us "Fantasies help us by: enhancing self esteem and attractiveness, increasing sexual interest and desire, facilitating orgasm, celebrating the present, satisfying curiosity, rehearsing future possibilities, releasing stress and tension, preserving a pleasant memory, and coping with past hurts."
I can make use of all of the above when I meet a woman by reading her the following poem I wrote. Women absolutely adore this poem. Most have said "That exactly describes me!"
"That Curious Little Girl" Remember when you were a little girl and you played house. Perhaps you had a tea party for your friends. Maybe you imagined you were raising the children. Maybe you imagined you had a career. Your parents were so proud, knowing you would grow up to be the perfect sweetheart, just as their parents had taught them. But... there was a curious part of you, that craved adventure and discovery.
She did things your parents didn't know about. But it was ok, it was harmless fun. And most of all, it was the source of self discovery. But then the years went by. You grew up and made a life of your own.
Some of it turned out as you had hoped. Some had not. You had done what everybody thought you should do, but you began to wonder, if something was missing. Then... suddenly, you realized... you had forgotten about that little girl in you.
That girl that makes decisions based on what you want to do, as a person who feels. Well, she is still a part of you. And... she is a woman now.
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