Treating Social Phobias and Social Anxiety
Sometimes being overly sensitive in terms of feelings can lead to shyness. People can become afraid of doing anything for fear of offending someone, hurting someone else's feelings, or getting in trouble. Being supersensitive may be useful in some contexts such as when you want to really empathize with a person yet if a person is supersensitive all the time then that is detrimental. I know this because I used to be hypersensitive. I never spoke up, never stepped outside my comfort zone, and never did anything that might have the remotest possibility of aggravating people. This occurred as a result of my incapacitating fear. I figured that since I was so sensitive with such thin skin that others must be the same way so I needed to tiptoe around everyone so as to manage their feelings. What nonsense I later discovered this to be.
Chapter one describes my background of being painfully shy and how I overcame my shyness. It continues on with having the reader set some very specific goals about what they want out of this book so that they can focus in and accomplish what they want. True confidence is defined and it's explained why confidence is such an integral part of life.
Head-tilt-side is used extensively by men and women as a flirting or courtship cue (Eibl-Eibesfeldt 1970 Givens 1978, 1983). 2. Sideward head-tilts have been decoded as signals of shyness in young children (McGrew 1972), and in adults (Givens 1978). 3. Females tilted their head sic to one side significantly more than males 18 out of 20 times recorded. The head-tilt seemed to be more obvious in male-female greetings (Kendon and Ferber 1973 152). 4. This head tilt gesture may convey an attitude of coyness or submissiveness, but it is so common that one can almost always find such a head position in any group of women (Key 1975 152).
Since this is a book about confidence, think of a belief about your confidence or shyness or ability to do something. A good example is, I can't go up and meet strangers easily. This is a belief that limits many people, and their social and business lives would improve if they rid themselves of that belief. Once you've selected your limiting belief regarding confidence or shyness, close your eyes and notice all the visual and audio qualities of that belief. This is the same thing we've done in steps one and three. After you've gotten the visual and audio qualities of that belief, begin to change each and every visual and audio quality of your limiting belief to match all of the visual and audio qualities of something that you used to believe but no longer do - an old belief. This recodes your limiting belief and transforms it into a something you no longer believe. When you have done this properly, you will find the limiting belief to be an old...
Even for me at the depths of my shyness, smiling was very effective personally. Being a naturally happy guy, I smiled often at people just because it came naturally. It really is a life-changing habit to develop. What I discovered is that when I smiled at people, they would naturally smile back. In fact, I'd even make a game out of it to smile and see how many other people I could make smile. Sometimes, I'd smile a little bit and the other person wouldn't smile so I'd broaden my smile and keep getting my smile bigger until they broke out of their stoic facial expression and smiled back. It's quite a great feeling to give a smile. Give as many as you can because they are free, they make you feel good, and the person you smile at will feel good too. Smiling is quite disarming. The way it works is, people will perceive others with a genuine smile as being authentic, being real, being trustworthy and more positive traits are ascribed to people that smile than people who do not.
One thing that you may encounter on your journey is intimidation. Many things can cause a person to feel intimidated, including beauty, fame, fortune, and social status. People possessing these and similar qualities can seem intimidating, and once again, it is important to remember that feeling intimidated, like shyness, fear, anxiety and every other emotion is the result of a mental process.
If it's a woman, we assume she will understand what we are telling her with our attitude because we assume she has gained enough life experience with people to interpret those actions appropriately. If she doesn't get it, then we have learned something about how clueless she might be. But if she does, then we have realized some valuable information about how wide ranging her knowledge of the world and the rules that govern social interactions between men and women is likely be.
Like paying attention to how you talk to yourself inside, notice what sort of pictures you make inside your mind. When I was locked in my dungeon of shyness, whenever I wanted to go out and meet a woman, I would make a big picture of women rejecting me and laughing at me before I even said, Hello. With me making those pictures in my mind, I was completely paralyzed with fear and took no action. Instead, I watched opportunity pass me by only to regret it every time. What you hear and see internally impacts how you feel. And how you feel ultimately frees you to take action or shackles you to hold you back.
Our minds are trained to go in a certain direction. They are encoded to pursue pleasure and avoid pain. Sometimes, if we have not been consciously directing our minds, our minds gravitate toward less than resourceful behaviors. One of these behaviors is shyness. This pattern redirectionalizes the brain by saying to the mind, Not shy, confident
The fact is you don't need to be incredibly skilled in social interactions to make friends in this world. But the better your social skills are to begin with, the easier this will all be. More people will like you and they'll be much more likely to want to hang out with you. Just making an effort to be friendly will usually be enough.
About 75 of the world's population quivers at the prospect of striking up conversations with a stranger. The reason Shyness. Shyness can be attributed to cultural factors. Being raised in conservative environments or living in harsh communes makes people timid. Having critical friends and domineering colleagues can further aggravate shyness. Shyness can also be genetic. There's a joke that goes The gene for shyness has been discovered. Scientists at MIT discovered it hiding behind a set of other genes. Nevertheless, shyness poses a problem for those who want to persuade. This malady prevents persuasion by aborting communication. Fortunately, techniques to combat shyness do exist. With constant practice, anyone can learn to break the ice , establish rapport, and make new friends. Once you have won trust, you can persuade much more easily. Notice how salesmen always attempt friendship before selling. This chapter concentrates on teaching the essentials of striking up a conversation with...
Swinggcat How that happened is, um, during the time that I was using the handwriting analysis, I did have some pretty amazing success using this hypnotic seduction. And I did start to do things that I couldn't do before. I think a lot of us kind-of get into this stuff not just because we want to get laid more, but we want a sense of control over certain social interactions with women, and as I started using the SS, even though it wasn't the most effective stuff in the world, it started giving me control over these interactions. Instead of haphazardly, kind-of helter-skelter going about it, I was kind-of able to direct where it was going.
Alright, having beat this thing to death in theory, how about some practical advice on what to do about it. The first thing you must recognize is that knowledge is power. Simply having your eyes opened to the mechanics of toxic shame and how it was adversely affecting your life all these years can become a compelling tool for dismantling it. Knowing and understanding that your shame-bound emotions are something that was done to you, and is not really you (i.e. an unchangeable aspect of your personality) is an enormous revelation in itself that holds vast potential for jump starting your personal growth. No longer are you doomed to identify with an emotional characteristic i.e., you aren't shy -- you were programmed with an emotional flaw that caused you to utilize shy behavior in order to correct the problem. You adopted shyness as a shield against your shame, to keep it boxed in where it couldn't torment you. It was a pretty ingenious solution really. The drawback to using one type...
RESEARCH REPORTS So closely is emotion tied to facial expression that it is hard to imagine one without the other. 1. The first major scientific study of facial communication was published by Charles Darwin in 1872. Darwin concluded that many expressions and their meanings (e.g., for astonishment, shame, fear, horror, pride, hatred, wrath, love, joy, guilt, anxiety, shyness, and modesty) are universal I have endeavoured to show in considerable detail that all the chief expressions exhibited by man are the same throughout the world (Darwin 1872 355). 2. Sylvan S. Tomkins found eight basic facial emotions surprise, interest, joy, rage, fear, disgust, shame and anguish (Tomkins 1962 Carroll Izard proposed a similar set of eight Izard 1977 ). 3. Studies indicate that the facial expressions of happiness, sadness, anger, fear, surprise, disgust, and interest are universal across cultures (Ekman and Friesen 1971). 4. . . . the emotion process includes a motor component subserved by innate...
So, if you want her to see you as the PRIZE, make sure you take her into your world. Take her around people who already love and admire you. In these social situations you will not have to try hard to prove yourself to others because they already love you. This will allow the most PRIZABLE attributes of your personality to flourish. Also, your friends loving and admiring you will validate in her eyes that you are the PRIZE.
The Rapport & Comfort phase is not essential with all women. After you have shown Alpha qualities, some women may want to have sex with you and only after do they ask you your name. For some other women - especially those with high self-esteem and those with deep feelings of guilt about sex and attraction - Rapport & Comfort can be very important. For other women, especially those with fears or shyness, Comfort can be extremely important. If you start from the Internet you will never have the ability to approach on the streets or other social situations.
She picked me up and we went to a local fast food restaurant. All throughout dinner, the conversation was strained as she tried her best to pry me from my shy shell. Every time I began to come out of the shell, I automatically retreated back into the shell simply because of my dreadful shy habit. She did her absolute best to talk with me and have a good time. Still, I could tell she saw my shyness as an obstacle to getting to know one another. My saving grace for the date was that I would smile a lot and reciprocate all questions she asked me. The conversation went better as long as she did the talking. I share this miserable tale of shyness to let you know that no matter how shy or confident you are now, you can improve and become more confident. Unfortunately, I was the shyest guy in the world during my high school days. People attributed my inaction and unwillingness to initiate activities with others as being antisocial, aloof, indecisive, reactive, and generally unfriendly. What...
Tell her your name, ask her hers, and then let her get back to work. Chances are, she'll be so impressed, she'll come over to talk to you. This line is very flattering, and what really makes it work is the last bit about working up the courage to meet you. It implies that she's so beautiful that you just had to overcome all that shyness just so you could get a chance to meet her. Women eat this line like candy and it will get you laid by waitresses, salesgirls and the like with startling frequency. YOU I'm a lonely person trying to overcome my shyness and you've just slammed me back into my shell for months. I hope you're happy.
Swinggcat The main thing my book is going to teach you how to do is, when it comes down to it, we all have some sort of need, or validation, and possibly even insecurity for having control over certain social interactions. We've all been there before where it's like, even if we get laid haphazard, we've been in situations where we just don't feel like we have control over the situation. We can't direct where it goes. In my book, I've really broken it down to a science. It is so easy to control the interaction once you've read my book. Swinggcat I'm working on quite a bit of stuff, and one of the things I'm interested in is teaching guys how to master socializing, because it's beyond just issues with women and stuff like that. There's a ton of material that I haven't even talked about that I've been working on that will give you power in business, in social situations, and there's a lot of products I'm going to develop online.
There's another aspect to shyness which might be giving you some distress, and that's the flip side of shyness which is rage. Rage, or even just a chronic, simmering anger that interferes with your ability to relate normally to others, is the dark twin of rejection sensitivity. Both these disempowering emotions have their source in a tenancy to derive a major portion of your self-esteem from the judgement of others. Walking around all the time being psychologically vulnerable to what you perceive to be the silent appraisal of everyone around you will make you hypersensitive and fearful. That's where your shyness comes from. But after a while, you will come to hate what you fear. Your tormentors will eventually catch the focus of your hatred and it will express itself as a barely contained urge to fly into a rage when things don't immediately go your way. Check yourself for road rage for instance. Got
Now, as you've read about my ultra-shyness in high school, you may be thinking that it couldn't get any worse. It did. Since I was so good at being shy, I really outdid myself in college. The more the years passed the more I found my inability to be confident to be a glaring weakness. One night, after a few too many beers, my roommates and their friends spotted me screwing around on the computer and set it about as their mission to get me to loosen up. Their mission henceforth was to get me drunk as a skunk. They proceeded to apply some very persuasive peer pressure and invited me upstairs where a party was being held. Being flattered that they even recognized me, I finally said yes and resolutely stated that I would not drink though. After getting upstairs and getting into the midst of the party, one of my giving roommates handed me an orange juice and said to drink up. At this point in time, I chugged it. The next thing you know, I was feeling tipsy and really relaxed as I noticed...
If I could sum up the gist of what is most important to understand from the last chapter, it would simply be this women are far more interested in how you make them feel than what you look like. Of course, this assumes that you aren't completely off the scale in terms of physical or hygienic grotesqueness. But if you're a fairly decent looking guy who's clued in on how to take care of himself and doesn't flat out reek, then you should begin to see your shyness and reluctance to approach women as having a diminishing basis in reality. Here's an important thing to understand that, for women, it's all about emotions and feelings, and especially how a particular man makes them feel about herself and about her life. In a seduction all your efforts will be focused on creating the intense feelings and emotional states within her that she craves from a
Believing that your parents were shy which caused you to be shy is no excuse. Same goes for your kids. People do not become shy automatically when they are born. There is no 'shyness gene'. Shy people can't blame their genes. People become shy because they've learned to behave and act in a certain way. When I was shy around people, it's because I was in the habit of looking at a person, saying inside my mind, He she won't like me, and then feeling bad inside, picturing him her rejecting me, and then feeling immense fear that paralyzed me. That was simply the way I learned to behave. I only knew one way of behaving, but fortunately I got more choices. Kids unconsciously pick up the behaviors of the parents. Your parents may have influenced you to be shy, but that's different from them inflicting you with some untreatable genetic disease, which is really what it really means when people say, That's just the way I am Worse than saying, I'm shy, is talking about shyness as if it's some...
Had the sheer luck to discover has a very concrete underpinning in the way that you were treated by your primary caretakers (parents) as an adolescent. I'll discuss this problem in depth in Chapter 4 when I introduce you to the eye-opening concept of toxic shame a malady that lies at the heart of a constellation of various neuroses and thought distortions -- not just this double-damned shyness .
The inventory of gestures and postures observed in relaxed settings which are free of social anxiety or stress. 2. Nonverbal behaviors observed in solitary subjects, who may be reading, snacking, or watching TV. 3. Those nonverbal cues presented during the initial friendly phase of an interview or interrogation, as opposed to those given off in the subsequent stress phase.
People lean against other people or objects to show a territorial claim to that object or person. Leaning can also be used as a method, of dominance or intimidation when the object being leaned on belongs to someone else. For example, if you are going to take a photograph of a friend and his new car, boat, home or other personal belonging, you will inevitably find that he leans against his newly acquired property, putting his foot on it or his arm around it (Figure 130). When he touches the property, it becomes an extension of his body and in this way he shows others that it belongs to him. Young lovers continually hold hands or put their arms around one another in public and social situations to show others the claim that they have on each other. The business executive puts his feet on his desk or desk drawers or leans against his office doorway to show his claim to that office and its furnishings.
Fortunately, we can mind-read in a good way. I know that I just told you that mind-reading is something that is less than useful and does not lead to good communication with everyone running around reading one another's thoughts. However, when you mind read positively, it can be very useful. When I was overcoming my shyness, I had difficulty meeting strangers and in particular, beautiful women. I used to mind-read and say, She won't like me. She wants to be alone. This led me to be shy, fear rejection, and be incapacitated in my shyness. And then I decided I had enough of mind-reading negatively. From this point on, I would avoid mind-reading or if I was going to mind-read, I would do it positively.
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