Imagine there are three guys in a bar attempting to pick up this really hot stuck up looking woman.
The first guy approaches her and says, "Excuse me...but you are so beautiful and l would really love to take you out some time."
The second guy approaches her and says, "Hey! I will give you a quarter if you suck my dick".
The third guy approaches her and says, "You seem like fun...maybe we will hang...but only if you have hot girlfriends to introduce me to".
The first two guys are likely to get turned down by the woman. She might do things that range from being cold and aloof to throwing her drink on them.
But she will probably be interested in continuing to talk to the third guy.
Why? What is going on here?
Well, with the first guy, he is trying way too hard to pull the girl into him (we will talk more about this later on).
With the second guy, he is only pushing the girl away from him.
But the third guy is doing something very different than these first two guys. He is alternating between Pushing the girl away from him and Pulling her back into him. If the third guy continues to alternate between Pushing her away from him and then Pulling her back into him, he will get her so emotionally charged that she will feel compelled to chase him.
In this chapter we are going to discuss exactly how to do this. So, first off, where did l get the words "Pushing & Pulling"? The first time l saw them was while reading Robert Green's excellent book, The Art of Seduction. But when l talk about Pushing & Pulling, I mean something slightly different than him.
So what do l mean by "Pushing & Pulling"? Pushing is to push the girl away from you. Pulling is to pull the girl into you.
Pushing is closer to pain, while Pulling is closer to pleasure.
Pushing is at least, if not more, as important as Pulling. This is because, as Robert Greene has taught me, every time you use Pushing you create a space to use Pulling. Often times, the larger the space that you create from Pushing, the more emotionally intense and pleasurable it will be when you are Pulling her back into you. To understand this better: think about how good it is to drink water after a long hot workout at the gym, or think about how good pizza is after a long strict diet, or think about how good praise feels from someone who was critical of you. In each of these cases, the Pull was emotionally intense because there was a Push that preceded it.
A metaphor to think about Pushing & Pulling is the concept of yin and yang. All yin has a little bit of yang in it and all yang has a little bit of yin in it. Likewise, all Pulling should be about twenty percent Pushing, and all Pushing should be about twenty percent Pulling.
Put in even better words, all Pulling should psychologically flow into Pushing and all Pushing should psychologically flow into Pulling.
When Pushing & Pulling is executed correctly, it will have a powerful twofold psychological effect on women. Firstly, it will get them so emotionally charged that they will be compelled to chase you. This can range from them wanting your validation to them sexually trying to pursue you. Two is that Pushing & Pulling is a form of sending mixed signals. Put in other words, by Pushing a woman away from you, and then Pulling her back in, you keep her guessing about what her status is with you, and what you are going to do next. This is unpredictable and keeps her in suspense (notice how these are some of the attributes, which l talked about in chapter IV, of men who are the PRIZE). If done correctly, women will find this to be very attractive and exciting.
My view on Pulling: compliments, flattery, and praising:
Pulling should never be about you ogling over a girI, or about you showing her that you are in awe of her--well, at least not in the beginning (this would be validating her as the PRIZE completely). Instead Pulling should be about saying or do things that (1) hint at the possibility of acceptance or validation (hint at choosing her), (2) tentatively accepting or validating her (tentatively choosing her), and/or (3) validating or accepting a side or part of her (choosing a part of her).
So, to reiterate: it is not a full pull, just a partial pull. My view on Pushing:
Pushing should never be about you flat out insulting a girl, or about you becoming defensive with her or about you slamming the door in her face completely (this would be disqualifying her completely). Instead Pushing should be about saying or do things that (1) hint at the possibility of rejection (hint at you not choosing her), (2) tentatively rejecting or disqualifying her (tentatively not choosing her), and/or (3) rejecting or disqualifying a side or part or behaviour of hers (you not choosing a part of her).
Now that you guys have an understanding of Pushing & Pulling let's take a look at five different kinds of Pushing & Pulling: guilty conscience, emotional roller coaster, revealing & concealing, good cop/bad cop, and intentional undermining.
Let me ask you guys a question. Have you ever had a girl dick tease you: Get you really turned on and make you think that she was interested in you, and then once you made a move on her, she freaked out, accusing you of being some sort of pervert? Now l am sure on a rational level you were thinking, I am never going to talk to this girl again. But on an emotional level you were frustrated as hell. And her Pushing you away only made you want her more, right?
So what was going on?
She was Pulling you in by provoking you to make a move on her.
Then she Pushed you away by making you feel guilty for making a move on her.
Now the great news is that we can use this exact tactic on women because it is just as powerful when we use it on them--and oddly enough, most women love it when we do this.
So the basic idea is to Pull them in by making them feel an emotion or do an action, and then Push them away by making them feel guilty about it.
So, since some girls are so good at using the 'guilty conscience' tactic, let's look at some examples of some of the things they do.
One, which we already went over that they use all the time, is making a guy think that they are interested in hooking up and then accusing him of being too forward. This really makes men frustrated, yet often times gets them so emotionally charged that they will try even harder. Put in other words, they begin to chase the woman.
Another one that some women use is making a guy think that they are interested in a 'more than friends' relationship with them. The guy will often times end up taking the girl out to fancy restaurants, buying her presents, and overall, spending lots of money on her. Then when the guy starts to hint at wanting something with the girl, she might giggle and say, "how cute, you thought there was something between us...you know we are just friends, but l have the perfect girl to set you up with...you guys are going to make the cutest couple". Or they might say, "You are like my little brother...please don't talk that way to me...I am starting to get creeped out".
Another thing that some women have been known to do is to willingly have sex with a guy, and then afterwards, make him think that he used her or forced her into it and that he owes her something in return.
These examples are very powerful and great food for thought. By now you should have some ideas on how to use the 'guilty conscience' tactic on women.
Let's look at some examples we can use on women. Guilty pursuer:
I will imply to a woman that we should get together. If she bites the bait, so to speak, and suggests that her and l should get together, I might say something such as: 'I hope you don't think there is anything between us. I wouldn't want it to hurt our friendship.' or 'slow down there turbo, we just met and you are already trying to ask me out, that's a little creepy'.
This is great because here l am provoking them to react in a certain way, and then making them feel guilty about it (evil, yes, but very powerful). Moving on.
The guilty kiss:
Another great thing to do when a girl is into you is to grab her really close to you like you are about to kiss her and then say, "I hope you weren't trying to kiss me. You are like my little sister, and l am hoping that you are not trying to get all incest on me"...Then after she thinks you are serious, grab her close to you and kiss her. Since the kiss will be preceded by you creating a space in virtue of Pushing her away (finding reason not to kiss her), the kiss will be intensified. Guys, this is a great way of making a woman so emotional that she is compelled to chase you. Also, women love this because it is unpredictable, and keeps them in suspense.
Making them feel guilty about saying "what":
Another version of this which l talked about in the chapter on open loops is hinting that you know something about her, and then when they ask you "what" you respond with something that makes them feel guilty about asking. For example, I like to respond in an overly dramatized tone with, "God...your poor parents. I hope your weren't this demanding as a child". The guilty laugh:
Let's look at one more powerful way to utilize this tactic. One thing that l love doing is talking about a really messed up situation in a really funny way. When a woman starts laughing, get really serious and start giving her a hard time about laughing at another person's misfortune--maybe saying something such as: "you shouldn't be laughing; that could bring you bad Karma and could happen to you." Then when they think you are serious, say, "It might be fucked up but l agree, it is fucking funny".
So, for example, if you see some big fat women sporting a pair of hot pants and a camel toe, you might comment on how gross you find frontal wedgies. If the girl you are talking to starts laughing, get all serious and say, "You know what: that wasn't funny. If you keep talking that way, you are going to get bad Karma and turn into that woman in a few years". Then when she thinks you are serious, bust up laughing and say, "Actually it is pretty funny. And, anyways, that women should know better than to wear spandex in public". Then she will start laughing. Then give her a hard time about being insensitive towards fat people. Next, bust up laughing again and say that spandex should be outlawed. And so on.
Another variation of this is to make fun of something about her in a really funny way and then tell her that it is very sad that she is laughing at herself. And then start laughing by telling her that it actually is really funny.
Let me give you an example of this. One thing l love to tease girls about is how they need to meet a nice man...on the Internet. Most of the time they will bust up laughing. I will retort with, in a serious tone, "you shouldn't be laughing, it is very sad that you have to find a date on the Internet". Then, just at the point that they think l am serious--timing is everything-- I bust up laughing and say, "even though it is fucked up it is pretty funny that you have to find a date on the Internet." AIright, moving forward.
Emotional roller coaster:
Another type of Pushing & Pulling is what l call the "emotional roller coaster". This is when you pull a woman into you by making her feel a certain emotion towards something or some situation. Then you push her away by making her feel the exact opposite emotion towards that same thing or situation. And then you pull her back into you by making her feel that original emotion again towards that thing. This is like putting women's intrigue on Steroid--very powerful!
To get an idea of this, think of soap operas, which women love. They use this exact psychological mechanism to keep women intrigued year after year. That's why these stupid soap operas are still on the air. In the soaps there is always the girl that seems nice and innocent who everyone begins to feel sorry for, and just at the point that everyone feels sorry for her, the truth comes out: she is a heartless vixen. Or there is the really hard working handsome guy who has been through many hardships. Just when all of the female watchers begin to think he is a really good guy, they find out that he is a womanizer and a wife beater.
The point is that these soap opera writers have a deep understanding of this psychological principle and are aware of women's need for drama and suspense. Put in other words, if done in the right way, women enjoy being taken on an emotional roller coaster.
So, let's take a look at how we can use this to PRIZE women. A great example of this is my Girl George story, which l mentioned earlier. Let's take a look at it again.
"Isn't it creepy how some people sit around and watch videos of their deceased loved ones? For example, I knew this lady who named her golden retriever after the eighties pop star "Boy George". But since it was a girl dog, she called it "Girl George". Now the dog kept getting knocked up. Maybe it got laid a lot because of its celebrity name, I don't know? Anyways, my friend decided it was time to get her dog fixed. This was a bad move. George's hormones went haywire. For one, she got really mean and would even attack small children. For two, she got so fat she could hardly walk and developed diabetes. (When saying this next line, show signs of despair) And soon after this, poor George died. Actually, we were all glad the fat bitch was dead. But friend wasn't glad, she was so sad. To this day she still sits around and watches video of old George. Fucking freak, that's why l am not friends with her anymore"
So what is going on here?
Why is this Pushing & Pulling?
When l talk about the dog dying, I am Pulling the girl into feeling sad. I mean it is messed up: the poor dog is dead. But then l am Pushing her away from feeling sad by saying, "Actually we were glad the bitch was dead." Most women will laugh at this point. And if they do, you have succeeded in Pushing them away from feeling sad. But then l pull them into feeling sad again by making them empathize with how sad my friend was that her dog was dead. And then l push her away from feeling sad when l make my friend out to be a nut case by saying: "She sits around and watches videos of the dead dog.
Fuckin freak. I guess that's why l am not friends with her anymore".
This is so powerful to do with women because it keeps them on their toes, puts them in suspense, and takes them on an emotional roller coaster. Notice how this has all of the elements of a good soap opera.
Revealing & Concealing:
In Kierkegaard's book, The seducer's diary, the main character, Johannes, set out to seduce a young woman named Cordelia. He sensed that Cordelia was intrigued with the deep and philosophicaI. So, one tactic he used to PRIZE her was when talking to her he would occasionally talk about things, such as literature, which revealed a deep and philosophical side to him. This made her feel like he not only understood her world, but that he even understood this world that she lived in better than she did (Notice how this has two rapport elements in it: her becoming aware that they have the shared experience or more precisely, knowing her world--better than she herself knows it. This made her want to get rapport with him).
But then, after a short while, he would conceal this part of him by changing the subject to mundane matters. Put in other words, he would push her away by refraining from getting rapport with her on literature and philosophy. This frustrated Cordelia, but it also made her want him and made her want to connect with him.
What Johannes was doing was using a form of Pushing & Pulling that l call "Revealing & Concealing". Not only does this make a woman want you and chase you more, it often times makes her want to get rapport with you. So, Revealing & Concealing is also a powerful way of gaining rapport through refraining from getting rapport. Furthermore, we could also classify it as an open loop.
Let's look at an example of how we can use Revealing & Concealing on women.
One thing l did recently, which l will tell you more about in the final chapter of this book, was telling a woman several stories about me being Europe. Now the points of my stories were stupid and silly. But the underlying message l was conveying in these stories was that l was a world traveler (this is displaying PRIZABILITY without parading it).
The woman that l was PRIZING was really impressed. She even gave me an opportunity to brag more by saying: "I travel a lot, not as much as you but l do travel a lot. I really like people who travel...I mean people who travel are so much more worldly and know so much more...that's why l want to travel more".
But instead of taking her up on the opportunity to brag more, I downplayed (or concealed) my PRIZABILITY by telling her: "the real reason l am into travelling is that l love Mc Donald's ice cream. And my goal is to have a Mc Donald's ice cream in every country in the world." Then l changed the subject to the mundane topic of ice cream. Then just about the time she stopped thinking about how much she wanted to hear about my travels, I started showing her friend pictures of me in Europe. When she noticed this, she wanted to see the pictures. But at first l did not show them to her. I just changed the subject to something mundane, and then just about the time that started to forget how much she wanted to see them, I showed them to her. So what was going on here?
What l was doing was indirectly revealing a little bit and then concealing it, and then revealing a little more and then concealing it. This resulted in me gaining lots of PRIZABILITY in her eyes, and her chasing me really hard. Also, since she had done a bit of travelling herself, she wanted to get rapport with me on this level through seeing my pictures and hearing my stories. But by me refraining from getting rapport with her, her desire to get rapport with me increased.
Another one l have used, which is similar to this is to quote literature in stories without mentioning the author's name. So, if the girl is a literature buff, maybe in one of your stories you might mention a well-known quote from James Joyce. If she says, "Oh my god, you read Joyce too?", you can respond by saying, "Who is Joyce? I got that Garfield." Then say in a dramatic tone "ah...I guess you don't read Garfield, you are so uncooI, I just can't talk to you anymore". Then turn your back on her as if you are a snob and cannot associate yourself with her. This does so many things on so many levels. One is that you have gained PRIZABILITY in her eyes by your knowledge of Joyce, but when she gives you the opportunity to parade more knowledge of Joyce, you turn her down. This in itself is very impressive to women. Two is that she knows that you know your Joyce, but by you denying any knowledge of this, by you refraining from getting rapport with her on this, it makes her more determined to get rapport with you on this level.
Guys, this is also a great example of how to DISPLAY PRIZABILITY without PARADING PRIZABILITY.
Good cop/bad cop:
Have you ever known someone who had a really hot girl act bitchy to him or not give him the time of day? I know l have. And the weird thing was, instead of blowing her off, he wanted her more. And the even weirder thing was that once in a blue moon she was nice to him. You know what: this planted a seed in his mind that she might actually accept him and he began to desire her to want him and accept him. He also became fearful of displeasing her. Poor poor bastard.
Well l think most of us at some point in our career with women not only have known someone like this, but also have first hand experience with this. Let's face it: most of us, to some degree, have been in this position before. So, most of us on some level know how powerful this can be.
I call this tactic 'good cop/bad cop' because you are oscillating between being harsh and warm towards her. Like all Pushing & Pulling, your harshness or coldness must lead into being warm, and being warm must lead into being harsh or cold.
Let's look at some examples of how girls use this tactic on men:
One thing that a girl might tell a guy is, "I don't like the way you chew your food: it is so nasty how you chew with your mouth open. But at least you are a nice guy who is buying me dinner". Then she might proceed to point out other flaws she finds in him. Before you know it, the guy will be doing tons of things to try and get her validation--very sad.
Another one that l have seen girls do to guys is say something such as: "you are such nerd, but at least you are nice". And then the guy will try to prove himself to the girl: Get her approval. This is another sad case.
God, I am getting depressed just thinking about these. Let's move onto something less depressing.
Let's look at some examples of the 'good cop/bad cop' tactic that we can use on women.
One wickedly evil thing l love doing to a woman, is when doing a cold reading, I will say: "You know, you come off as a warm person, but you really have a hard time letting people in, maybe even trusting people. I bet sometimes you feel like you don't really connect with people. And for the most part l don't like girls like yourself, but you have a friendly smile, so, maybe you will get to hang out with me. I am going to have to think about if l am going to make an exception for you. I don't want my other friends to think l hang out with people who are creepy".
Women at this point will often times do all sorts of things to try to prove themselves and get acceptance and validation from you. When she starts doing this, you are really starting to get her to chase you on an emotional level.
Let's look at another example:
Another great example, which l will come back to when we discuss 'chick tests' is when a woman asks you what you do for a living, just look at her kind of confused and say, "No l am not the guy who used to work with you at McDonalds. And if we hang out, there better be no talking about your career path at McDonalds--I don't want you embarrassing me in front of my friends. But you do seem like you would be a cool girl to hang out with--in private that is".
All right guys... Onward.
What l am about to talk about is very very powerful. Some of you might even think it is evil. I think the power behind it is that it doesn't make any logical sense. So, what the hell am l talking about? I am talking about the art of doing or saying one thing, and then doing another thing to completely undermine the first thing. Let me repeat what l just said:
THIS IS THE ART OF DOING OR SAYING ONE THING AND THEN DOING ANOTHER THING TO COMPLETELY UNDERMINE THE FIRST THING.
Now to make this work you are going to have to gain total control of your emotions. You have to become an absolute master at being able to appear genuine at the right time, and insincere at the right time. Both are essential for intentional undermining. Where most guys think they falter is in being too genuine or too insincere. But in most cases, they falter because they do not have control over their emotions and they have bad timing.
This technique is not easy to get. However, even if this technique takes a while for you to master, don't give up: this is one of the most powerful tools for PRIZING.
The undermining compliment:
One version of this technique that l love to do is to, in a genuine way, compliment a girl. Now you must really sound like you mean it or it will not work. This is most powerful if your compliment is appeasing something that they are seeking validation for. Also, as long as you are sincere with your compliment, it is okay to exaggerate a bit. Then follow this up by saying something that completely undermines the compliment.
Let's look at an example. Let's say a girl asks me if l like the way she kisses my neck and l genuinely do like the way she kisses my neck. I might say to her: "When you kiss my neck, I get so turned on, you are the best."
Now guys, as you have probably realized, this is the Pulling in Pushing & Pulling.
Okay, let's take a look at the "Pushing" or the part where we undermine the compliment. This part is essential because, as already mentioned, we never want to fully pull her in or fully accept her. However, we never want to slam the door or fully undermine our compliment either. So, I might undermine my compliment on how amazing she is at kissing my neck by saying: "Well actually...(start counting on my fingers) four others were also really good too. I guess you are one of the best. Still, you are really good."
Now the girl might ask you who these girls are or ask if she is the best out of these girls. To this l might say: "you are such a girl" (some other great things you can say are: "I don't kiss and tell" or "there are certain doors we don't want to open up).
When she says, "what", don't answer her. Instead, use my open loop tactic of smirking and then turning your head away from her.
Let's look at one more variation of this tactic. This is one that can be used almost immediately after you meet a woman. Let's say l am in a bar and l start talking to a woman. At a certain point l might say to her: "Oh my God...you have like...the best smile...I have ever seen."
To this she will probably respond by saying, "thank you".
Then l might look down at my fingers, start counting then in whispers and say: "Actually l know four other people who also have really good smiles...So actually you have the fourth best smile...I am going to call you number four" (Although l came up with this tactic, it was my buddy Chris P. who taught me the art of calling girls by numbers).
Showing and then undermining your care for her:
Another really power thing to do is to ask a girl a question as if you genuinely care about knowing the answer. When she begins to answer the question, say something like: "I don't really want to know, I was just pretending like l cared".
Let me give you guys an example of this that is hilarious. Today, this girl that l am seeing called me. I told her that l could not talk because l had to go somewhere. She asked me, "where?" and l shot back with, "why do you want to know?" She said, "Because l care". So l told her where l was going.
But then l said to her that because l told her where l was going she has to tell me where she is going.
Right when she began to tell me l interrupted her and said, "I don't really care, I just wanted to see if you would tell me.
Then l said, "No, I am just kidding, I really do want to know"
Then as she was about to tell me again, I said, "You know what...I have heard enough".
The entire time l had her in suspense about what l was going to do next and she was chasing me by trying to tell me something.
This is an example of Pushing & Pulling at its best.
Intentionally undermining compassion & sincerity:
Yet another way to utilize "intentional undermining" is to demonstrate a compassionate genuine side to yourself, and then intentionally undermine it by showing an uncompassionate insincere side of you.
Let me give you an example. I might tell a girl this story as to display a compassionate side of me.
"I think human touch and affection is so important for us all to experience. And it is so sad when a person is disfigured or diseased in such a way that they are deprived of this human experience. However, it is so amazing how even the smallest amount of affection can make all the difference in these peoples' lives.
I remember when l was in massage school one of our assignments was to massage AIDS and cancer patients in the final stages. I have to admit that at first l was scared and selfish and didn't want to do it. But l did do it. And even though it was scary, it was eye opening for me. It was eye opening that by moving past my fears and judgmental ways, I was able to have such a positive impact on these peoples' lives".
Then l will follow this story with a story to undermine the compassion l have just demonstrated.
"I heard somewhere that you can get like a $2000 ticket for throwing trash outside your car window. Ludicrous l tell you. I throw trash outside my window all the time. I mean littering is a positive thing: I am helping the economy by creating new jobs". Undermining rapport:
This is when you point out a commonality between you and a woman. You give her the impression that you and her are so similar that the two of you are going to be friends. Then you completely undermine this by suggesting that the thing you have in common is the exact reason why you and her would never get along. Let's look at an example of this.
One thing l might do if a girl is a bit of a ball buster type is start with a cold read: "You know, at times you can be very sarcastic?" If she agrees (and these type of girls almost always agree because this is the way they want others to see them), then l will tell her that she has to be careful not hurt other people's feelings, and that l know this because l am sarcastic too. This builds rapport because l am pointing a commonality between her and I. Then l might escalate the rapport by going into a story about why l am sarcastic (maybe, 'My grandmother the boxer' would be a good story in this context). Next l might say to her, "Its funny but sarcastic people have a weird appreciation for other sarcastic people...and that's why l like you. But...the both of us combined would be pure evil and together we would tear people to shreds, and that's why the two of us should never hang out".
One reason why this is so effective is that you are turning the very thing that pulled her into you--namely that you both are sarcastic--into a barrier to Push her away. This is a very very effective way of getting women to chase you.
Pushing & Pulling is the continuous process of Pushing a girl away from you and then Pulling her back into you. The idea is to never fully Push her away from you and never fully Pull her into you. The Pushing & Pulling techniques we went over were Guilty Conscience, Emotional Roller Coaster, Revealing & Concealing, Good cop/Bad cop, and Intentional Undermining.
This week you should pick one Pushing & Pulling technique. Write down several situations in which you could use it with women. Then go out and experiment. Next, write down your results. Then go out and experiment more.
Here is another exercise. Next time you go out to meet women, pay attention to how women use Pushing & Pulling to get guys chasing them. Then when you come home, write down your findings. Then go out and try these things on other women. Interestingly, many of the things that women successfully use on men, also work quite well on them.
Was this article helpful?