The Resolving Codependence Pattern

Concept. What we call "co-dependent relationships" result from becoming overly involved with others so that we assume responsibility for things that obviously lie outside our area of response. We think-and-feel responsible for how someone else thinks, feels, and/or behaves. People who fall into the co-dependent pattern usually end up intruding into the responsibility circle of others, and fail to assume proper responsibility for themselves. They typically lack a good sense of connectedness to their own self. This pattern provides a way to reconnect with one's self, to stop co-dependent ways of relating, and to encourage healthy inter-dependent relationships.

The Pattern

1. I'hink of someone you have become over-involved with. Who do you feel responsible for (not to, but for)?

2. Identify connection representations. Scan your body and notice where you sense connections from you to the other person. Such representations usually take the form of various metaphors: ropes, ties, apron strings, etc. Allow yourself to become aware of some metaphorical way that seems to describe how you represent your connectedness.

3. Sever the ties. Now imagine, for a moment, that you have become completely free from these ties. Does any part of you object to this? If some voice or part objects, explore its positive intention in creating or keeping the tie. Identify what secondary gain you obtain from the relationship.

4. Identify your outcomes and meta-outcomes. Identify your objective in maintaining the connection to this other person. What do you get from this relationship? What do you give to this relationship?

5. Construct an ideal self Use the information you obtained to build an ideal you with all the resources, qualities and abilities necessary to have healthy relationships with yourself and with others. Visually locate this ideal self in just the right location.

6. Swish to the resourceful you. As you disconnect each tie from the other person, see yourself reconnecting it to your ideal self. Experience getting your desired outcome now from this ideal self rather than from the other person. Soak in these good feelings and sit with them for a few moments.

7. Connect other to Resourceful Self. Send this other person to his/her ideiil self that has the ability to maintain good boundaries, keep good distance, and respond appropriately. Imagine helping the other reconnect each tie to his/her resourceful self. Now see you interacting appropriately with this other person in the future.

#70 The Assertive Speaking Pattern

Concept. Do you have a good strategy for speaking up and asserting your own thoughts, values, beliefs, feelings, etc.? Assertiveness involves a basic human right—that of owning and claiming responsibility for our own thoughts, values, feelings, etc. Some people simply lack the strategy and training regarding how to do it. Others have suffered having permission taken away from them so that they don't allow themselves to voice their feelings. This shows up in fears about the weaning of assertive behavior (a Meta-state). "If I speak up, people will not like me; I will be rejected; people will think I'm bossy," etc. Such lack of assertiveness results from dysfunctional beliefs or inadequate programming.

Conceptually, asserting differs from fleeing and fighting—the two responses that arise when we feel afraid, threatened, insecure, violated, etc. In the fleeing aspect of the fight/flight syndrome of general arousal, we become primarily conscious of our fear as a symptom of insecurity and stress. In the fighting aspect of fight/flight, we become primarily conscious of anger as a symptom of our insecurity and stress. Accordingly, aggression lacks the quality and resource of assertiveness as much as does passivity. This pattern adds assertiveness (speaking up kindly and respectfully) as a resource in our communicating and relating. Source: Andreas and Andreas (1989).

Your Perfect Right

Your Perfect Right

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