Did you ever notice how most couples seem to be getting into little tifts or downright nasty arguments much of the time? You yourself, being socially withdrawn much of your life, might not have too much personal experience with this sort of thing -- but unless you're totally oblivious it's hard not to see how much of it is going on all around you. I'm sure you've got lots of stories about how each one of your friends who's in a relationship or is married takes his turn at being pissed off at his wife or girlfriend about something. Or vice versa.
Why do relationships seem to be characterized by how many arguments the man and woman always seem to be having?
He said this, she did that, blah blah blah... and so it goes. It never seems to end... the bickering, the hurt feelings. What the hell is going on? Is this the price we have to pay for the simple desire to have sex with someone that we actually like?
Mars calling Venus: ...that's all we guys really want, you know... just to get laid now and then...
...and without all the friggin' grief, please!
Ahem, sorry, where was I? So is this the final, bitter payoff to all the time and effort spent seducing women? I think this sad situation exists because of the massive ignorance that passes for pop-culture advice being cranked out by all the talking heads that like to spam us with their conflicting babble.
Yeah I know... so why am I any different? Maybe I ain't -- but I at least I make an honest attempt to think things though and apply some common sense to my theories. Stop for a moment and truly consider a romantic courtship. This transaction (a crass term?) is driven by the exact same kind of internal mental process that occurs when we consider buying any other kind of product or service. The first, last and really only thing that we desperately want to know is...
I'm serious. The 'what's in it for me' calculus is applied to almost everything that we decide to do, or avoid doing. When someone tries to sell you a product (like this book for instance) the sales pitch is designed to dig out a so-called 'pain issue' that the prospective buyer might be having with some aspect of his life, and then attempt to demonstrate how this product is the answer to making that pain disappear. That's why effective ad copy always concentrates on describing the benefits of owning the product in question, rather than simply describing interesting aspects of the product itself (the features). "Our Nuclear Stink-Rat Annihilators are baited with 5 pounds of irresistibly delicious warthog guts "... is a feature of the Annihilator, which is nice but doesn't necessarily make you want to run out and buy one. "Our Nuclear Annihilators will forever end the reign of terror that stink-rats have been holding over you and your family by vaporizing up to 700 of them per hour!"... are benefits of the Annihilator that shows you how it will solve a major problem in your life. Define the pain and then solve it. No more terrifying stink rats... you can live in peace, free of fear... forever. See the difference?
All kinds of products are moved by selling the benefits you will get from using them. No one goes through the agony of trying to lose weight because it's the good and heathy thing to do... they do it to gain the approval of other people and the psychological boost that goes along with it. That's why weight loss commercials always portray not just the 'New You', but the exciting types of fun activities that the New You will be enjoying (frolicking on the beach, etc.) and all the beautiful new friends (babes or hunks) that the New You will have flocking around showing interest. It's the stuff lonely fat boys can only dream about. Well they know your dreams -- and they paint the fantasy picture that you want to see, and then tie their product to it as being the gateway into that dreamworld. It's the psychology of selling -- and it operates by ruthlessly identifying the weak areas of your life-body-mind-experience and crafting benefits that provoke the solutions to those weaknesses that you desperately crave.
Anyway, what I'm suggesting is that this kind of 'benefits first' thinking goes on all the time in everyone's head concerning just about everything that we do, not just buying stink-rat annihilators. Dating and mating is no different. When two people consider each other in terms of their romantic possibilities, they use the same kind of ruthless, self-absorbed (shallow?) deliberating process. What's in it for me?... is this the girl of my dreams?... does she turn me on?... what will my friends think of her?... will she support my goals and aspirations?... is she a needy vampire?... and so on. In the beginning, we are forced to make this kind of assessment with very little to work with but our instincts and feelings, since we don't know a person well enough to be able to answer these kind of wide-ranging and complex questions. That's what dating is all about on a very fundamental level -- it's an opportunity to get a genuine sense of an individual for the express purpose of determining if certain vital emotional needs and requirements that you have (perhaps unconsciously) have any chance of being met by this particular person.
Stop and think about that for a moment, because not only is it true it's also very important to understand. Dating may seem like a bunch of happy horseshit that you are required to do with a girl to mark time until you (hopefully) can get into her pants, but there's really a lot of psychological investigative work going on... especially on the woman's end. She makes the big emotional investment in a relationship, so she feels that she has to get a good read of you before fully opening the gates to her heart. She's looking for signs of specific qualities that suggest you are capable of fulfilling certain emotional voids in her... voids that only a man can fill. (That's Man, not servile wimp... by the way! Check out Appendix C in the back of the book for the Male Dominance Test which will instruct you on the qualities and attitudes that separate the men from the nerds.) But I digress...
The reason that most of us desire to be in a relationship with that "special person" is because we all understand on a very instinctual level that there are certain emotional cravings - primal human needs - that can only be satisfied by having an intimate connection with someone of the opposite sex. Intimate, is the indispensable requirement here... other kinds of non-sexual 'family and friend' relationships can only go so far in satisfying our deepest yearnings for intimacy. Not having them sated leaves us in a constant state of low-grade dissatisfaction with all the other aspects of our lives. We begin to adopt a miserable, negative attitude about everything else around us that serves to push people farther and farther away. It's a classic descending spiral whereby the lack of having the need taken care of agitates our character to an increasingly more negative degree so that it becomes more unlikely that we will ever see that need satisfied. Our shitty personality steers us away from the only real answer that there is to our problem -- finding the girl of our dreams!.
Breaking free of this contemptible state of mind requires two attitude adjustments on your part:
1) you must shatter the downward emotional cycle artificially in your own head by adopting the traits and attitudes of a calm, confident dominant male so that you can capture the heart of a woman, and...
2) demonstrate that you are the guy who can also break the cycle of romantic failure for her.
You can 't even begin to enact this process until you first understand what the hell is going on in both her mind and your own. That's our next move.
Alright, ladies first...
In order to win the heart of any woman, one of the most decisive things you can do is show her that you are the guy who can satisfy her
That's what she's really looking for! That's what all the questioning and testing and bullshit game playing is all about. She trying to get a sense of your potential to fulfill those primal needs that she (desperately?) must have satisfied. And just what are these great emotional yearnings? Well they must not be common knowledge, because if they were the divorce rate wouldn't be up around 50% every time we check it, right? I guess what I'm trying to say is that a lot of people must never be able to get a really good sense of whether or not their potential partner has what it takes to make them happy -even after a long courtship -- because soon after getting involved in a committed relationship, they seem to find themselves miserable. Why? Because the partner they chose to spend the rest of their life with turns out to be incapable of satisfying their basic emotional cravings. It isn't long before the resentments and disillusionments follow along in the parade of bitterness.
The trouble seems to be centered around the fact that people simply don't know what it is they're supposed to be looking for in a potential life partner, although some do have a greater 'sixth sense' for this sort of thing than others. Your job, as a great seducer, is to demonstrate (through actions, not superficial words) that you understand what her primary emotional needs are, and that you are able to fulfill them... without surrendering your manhood in the process!
That last part is super important - if you wimp out and give up demanding fulfillment of your own needs (which we'll get into in a moment) then you 're the one who's going to become resentful and bitter down the road. What you're looking for is to create the perfect give-and-take situation.
And just what does this sort of relationship sorcery require? Knowledge. You must understand explicitly what a woman is genuinely seeking in a man if you are going to have any chance of showing her that you can be the man she's been looking for. And just as important, you have to know what you're going to require from a woman if you wish to stand any chance of being happy with her in the long run. Yeah I know... maybe your drought has been so dry you'll take any woman who shows even the least bit of interest in you at this point -- but trust me, once the initial joy of bagging her fades away you'll find that merely having a steady sex partner isn't good enough. That may sound hard to believe right now, filtered as it is through your fog of blinding horniness, but you will reach this point. Every man does.
Stay resolved never to compromise on your own needs!
But first, let's investigate what hers are. Without further ado, I now present what I feel are the Four Primary Emotional Needs that motivates every woman on the planet to find that perfect guy... and, how to behave in a manner that suggests that you can be the guy to deliver on them...
Primary Emotional Need #1 -- The need to Know her Thoughts and Opinions are Validated by a Man - She needs a man to show an interest in what she says and thinks and not just blow her off like she's some kind of child that must be squelched or corrected all of the time. Hey, there was a time when it was indeed a man's world and women were treated like overgrown children... their place was merely to nurture the real children and take care of all the domestic chores. All the truly weighty concerns and issues of society were handled by men. Men possessed all the real political, social and physical power.
But of course this caste structure has long since been shot to pieces and turned upside down, at least in modern western societies. If you're the kind of dinosaur that still thinks her place is to be barefoot and pregnant, and it shows through in you attitude, you will be hopelessly ostracized by all but the most desperate, servile hogs. Most any woman who has half a brain in her head won't stand for so much as a teeny tiny ounce of that kind of bullshit from any guy anymore, (unless he's a multi-millionaire or the President of the United States!) Even then they will only cut you enough slack to bag your sorry ass and will then demand that you change your ways and begin treating her with respect. Sorry to say but that sort of Archie Bunker-style chauvinistic crap just doesn't fly any longer. The war has been fought and there ain't no going back.
How to Show Her that you can Deliver on this Need Big Time While you're Still in the Dating Stages: It's simple (conceptually, anyway) shut the fuck up and really listen to what she has to say! Stop bragging about yourself or endlessly yapping about shit that's of interest only to you -- as if you expect her to adopt all of your interests. When she talks about things that she finds interesting and important, you have to make a serious attempt to listen, engage her, and react properly and appropriately to what she's saying. You should be helping to expand and create excitement about the things she likes by helping her to see new facets of it... not brushing her off, acting bored, or treating her ideas about life as stupid "girlie" bullshit.
This is not "kissing her ass" or being less of a man in any way. All great relationships contain a large measure of give and take. If you show interest in her life, dreams and ideas, she will be more than willing to develop a genuine (important!!!) interest in yours. Now you've got a real friend in addition to a lover that you can pal around with and engage in activities that you both find mutually enjoyable. This is far superior to having a mopey old girlfriend that you have to reluctantly drag around everywhere you want to go, and who only passive-aggressively ruins whatever good time there was to be had anyway! Ever been in one of those kinds of relationships?... it sucks!
Fifty-fifty partnering based on shared interests is a much better way to go, and you must be the one to start it with an attitude that respects her interests and focuses on enhancing them -- rather than tearing her down.
Then you'll get "yours" in return. See how it works?
Primary Emotional Need #2 -- The Need to have a Man Available as her Emotional Foundation - You don't have to become a complete sop for her every little bitch and pout, but she needs you to be emotionally stable enough to help her through the big crises in her life. This means that your role is to anchor a calming influence in the relationship, and not become another source of aggravation! Your male power and stoic grasp of life has to act as her "port in the storm" when she's being buffeted by the emotional rages that sweep through her life now and again. If you're the "Nervous Nellie" type that reacts to stress by going to pieces, then you're basically no better than hanging out with any of her other mixed-up girlfriends. So why does she need you?
You've got to do better than that! She's needs the steadiness of a Man to stabilize her passions when the crises in her life begin to stack up. Women have these kinds of complications more so than men do because they maintain dozens of different close relationships with all sorts of people ranging from aging parents to suicidal girlfriends -and they emphasize and take on aspects of all these people's problems from time to time. (I know... it's better to just be a hermit and cut everyone out of your life, but that's what we're trying to get away from by learning about seduction, right? When you start letting your life become interwoven with others, sharing in their problems is one of the prices you have to pay. But your experience as a self-actualized hermit can actually be an asset here, as your disinvolvement provides a tug in the direction of aloofness that she most likely can't muster up on her own.)
Look, for all their sophistication and independence, women are still a little bit like hyperactive children and can easily find themselves overwhelmed by the trials and tribulations of this kind of highly interconnected lifestyle. I know that such an idea is horrifyingly "politically incorrect", but it's still true nonetheless. You can't change millions of years of evolutionary conditioning with the wave of a wand over a single generation. Women tend to be over-emotional, that's just how it is. Your job is to give her someone strong to cling to when things seem ready to get out of hand.
Two things to remember here... one, don't get in the habit of making a joke about the kinds of things she gets upset about, even though they may seem trivial to you ("think that's bad, you shoulda seen what happened to me at work yesterday"...). Her impassioned experience of life is very real to her, even if it sometimes seems out of perspective. Make an effort not to be constantly telling her that she's getting all worked up over silly bullshit. You're only cruising down the road to major resentments if you go this way, and you'll soon have a nagging bitch on your hands who will be more and more difficult to have sex with. Then you'll be faced with either having to dump her or play "kiss-ass and make up" all the time, neither which is very appealing. Of course, if she's often hysterical and you find yourself exhausted trying to keep her grounded in reality, then you might want to cut your losses and get out before she drags you down into mental hell along with her. You'll have to use your own best judgement here.
And secondly, don't go overboard with the "Mr. Solution" routine. Men tend to respond to people's problems by immediately offering up a litany of potential solutions. That's because we take pride in our ability to go around solving other people's problems for them. The answers are all quite obvious to us! That's all well and good, but you have to realize that when a woman dumps her problems on you she isn't always looking to hear your instantly available laundry list of wise and clever solutions. Most of the time all she wants is a sympathetic ear. That's right, you don't have to suffer under the burden of having to think up all those amazing solutions anymore! All you have to do is listen quietly and offer a warm hug now and then, maybe pour her a glass of wine and do something to take her mind off whatever it is that's bugging her. It's most likely trivial anyway, right? So why burn your brain out giving birth to one solution after another that she isn't going to use anyway, when all she really wants is someone to listen to her and give her a little sympathy once in a while? See how radically different men and women are? (Ok 'venus-and-mars' guy, you got me...) Guys would never feel satisfied with crap like that... they want answers when they have a problem!
But women want strokes and sympathy and lots of lovin' when things don't go their way. Your emotional support during the rough times is one of the big things that she needs from you. Provide this, and you will have one comfortable little purring kitten on your hands. And a sexy one too!
How to Demonstrate that You can Deliver on this Need Big Time While you're Still in the Dating Stages: Be decisive. Don't waffle around when picking out what movie to go see or what dish to order at the restaurant, "... oh I don't know honey, what do you want to do...". Be a man you stinkin' wimp! Even if you don't feel you know for sure what the hell you want all the time, take a good guess and stick with it. However, don't go overboard and start constantly bossing her around to show off what "a man" you are. Instead, be ready to take charge when she's giving signals that she wants you to take care of her today. As part of the exquisite dominant male attitude that you are always cultivating, you must strike the perfect balance between taking command of things and knowing when to yield (as a gentleman) to her wishes and let her have her way when she feels like giving the orders. It always comes back to balance, doesn't it?
Don't be a 'deep end wacko' by going off of either deep end, right?
Bottom Line and Best Situation: Try to be the one part of her life that isn't a constant source of problems and crises. Be the steadying influence instead. Think you can do it? Or are you going to be a big baby and pile on? Nuff said.
Primary Emotional Need #3 -- The Need to Feel that the Romantic Affection of a Man is Always Available to Her - Women are just plain out and out saps for romance, and it's one of the things that men just don't seem to fully grasp about them. Romance is like oxygen to women. They must have a breath of it every now and then or they will wither away and die. It just isn't the same with men. A romantic touch or an evening out (or a lap dance!) makes a nice change of pace now and again. But we don't need it like we need, oh, let's say...football! Now there's a gasp of oxygen every weekend for us, right?
The sad part is that being romantic really isn't all that hard -- you don't need to arrange lavish dinner dates or smother her with expensive roses every week. It's just the little things... a back rub here (and non-obligatory, without an immediate and predictable try for some sex), or a surprise silly card, or an e-mail. A little shot of oxygen here and there and they are walking around high on life (and us!)
How to Show Her that You can Deliver on this Need Big Time While you're Still in the Dating Stages: I'll admit this is a tough one to demonstrate with true sincerity. She expects that you'll do silly romantic stuff when you're first dating because she knows that you think it's the gateway into her pants. How you'll "keep it up" (the romance, that is) can't really be determined until after the two of you have been going out for several months. And, most importantly, until after she's agreed to have sex with you. Long term romance for her is a crapshoot just like the promise of continued hot sex is for you.
One thing you can do to give her a sense that you are a genuinely romantic guy is touch her a lot. Remember how we talked about the importance of touching her as soon as reasonably possible in order to express your interest in her as a man? Well, continued casual touching (arms, back, waist, etc... not groping, you animal) shows her that you never forget she is an attractive woman and that the feel of her body next to yours is a wonderful thing. She will get the message that if you feel this much of a need to be close to her, and that you aren't one of these standoffish assholes who's afraid to express himself, then you'll probably do okay in the romance department in the long run. At the beginning of a relationship this is the best that you can do without going off the deep end which, of course, I must continue to warn you about the folly of doing.
Primary Emotional Need #4 -- The Need to Show Off what a "Catch " You are to All Her Friends and Family - This is a tricky one that most women won't even admit to having, but oohhh it's there... you can bet on it. The need to gloat and show off is her secret little evil delight that her "catty" side demands must be satisfied! I'll never forget the first Thanksgiving that I spent with an old girlfriend of mine. All her sisters were there and every one of them was without male companionship because they were in various stages of break-up or divorce due to the fact that their husbands all happened to be drunks and losers. I was on my best behavior, and thoroughly impressed them all with my wit and charm. Well, evil cattiness silently abounded amongst the sisters on a very subliminal level that night, and my girlfriend was very pleased that she was able to show off how she was the only one who could get a really great guy to date her -- unlike the worthless bums who'd failed her sisters. She won!
And so did I. I can't recall her being so happy and giddy and so willing to screw me every which way to Sunday for the next week or so as I did after that kooky Thanksgiving! Don't ever underestimate how powerful her need to show you off to her friends can be. We guys often dream about having some cute eye-candy hanging on our arms to impress our friends, but I don't think this kind of showing off is as essential to us as it is for women. Go figure.
Therefore, whenever you get that very first chance to go to some family function where the potential exists to impress her family and friends, you have been given a SUPER GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY to score big time with her that you must not blow! She is taking a huge social risk showing you off like this... it is a massive PASS-FAIL test. You must be on your best, classiest behavior and strive to impress the hell out of all of them. If you successfully accomplish this feat, you will have scored mondo bonus points with her that will pay huge dividends!
If, on the other hand, you FAIL this pivotal test and reveal yourself to be nothing more than a drunken loudmouthed asshole and embarrass her in any way, shape or form... your balls will turn bluer than arctic fuckin' glacial ice before you ever see any trim again. Get it?
How to Show Her that You can Deliver on this Need Big Time While you're Still in the Dating Stages: Always be and act Classy. This will get her thinking about how much fun it would be to start showing you off around her friends and making them all jealous. Some chicks get off on this more than sex I think. You might as well play it for all it's worth and let her use you for this devilish purpose. It won't be long before you get to use her for yours!
Remember... FOCUS ON HER - ACTIVE LISTENING - BE DECISIVE -BE A CLASS ACT. If you can skillfully demonstrate these essential aspects of your personality to her, you'll go a long way towards subliminally suggesting that you are the kind of guy who can satisfy her deepest emotional desires and provide what she's always been dreaming about in a relationship. If you can do that, you are well on your way to drawing her into your romantic influence and cementing the lid of the seduction shut.
Always keep in mind how fundamentally insecure women are whenever they get into a long term relationship. Are your eyes roving over to that blond bitch sitting across the room? Hmmm? Never forget to show her that you think she's the hottest little piece of ass around. She needs to always be reminded of that, or she will begin to drift away. Watch for her to start nagging you about every little thing... that's the first signal that cracks are beginning to form in the relationship.
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