»ne of the most profound personal leaps that you're going to have to make in order to move from the mindset of a fumbling, failing nerd to that of an easy-going, successful seducer, is to start looking at the entire process of flirting and seduction as a light hearted game instead of a desperate life-and-death test of your manhood.
Did you ever see a quarterback like Joe Montana at the peak of his career when he would get himself into the "zone"? Perfectly timed passes humming down the field like a fine-tuned machine... shredding defenses with a total command of the situation... an unfailing nerve on display? When your confidence is high and things are going good for you, this is how your life works. Everything just seems to fall into place like it should.
Now picture another quarterback who's lost his confidence because his team's been on a losing streak. He's coming under lots of criticism, much of it originating from within his own head. He goes out and can't seem to complete a crummy swing pass anymore. Poor throws, bad decisions, forcing the ball into double coverage. Finally he gets picked off for a touchdown by the opposing free safety, and the hometown fans boo him off the field. In football parlance he's "forcing the ball", i.e., he's trying too hard.
His desperation to succeed only brings him total failure.
If you've been a life long fuck-up when it comes to making out with women then by now you're probably forcing the ball really bad. You come on like a sweaty, desperate loser so badly in need of any sort of win to boost your non-existent confidence that you might as well be walking around with a block of fetid Limburger cheese hanging out of your ass. Your "trying-too-hard persona" signals every woman in sight that you are a low status male. It proclaims that most of the women you've ever attempted to seduce in the past have voted NO!... and by now their consensus opinion trails you everywhere like putrid chick repellant. Get the idea, amigo? Well, every journey begins with a first step. So says Confucius anyway. Your very first step up out of the gutter is to shake off this desperate "loser's stench" and get yourself free of the low status handcuffs that you've been shackled with. Let's go...
In this chapter, you will learn that a significant amount of communication passes between men and women non-verbally. So much in fact, that you'd think we're all actually telepathic when it comes to the subject of love and romance -- and I'm not entirely sure that isn't so. Even just understanding this one fact places you far ahead of about 70% of the rest of the male population -- because most guys are absolutely clueless about the importance of non-verbal communication. In fact, most of them don't even know it exists. They think that unless they have the balls to come right out and say something directly, then nothing of any importance has happened. You can't imagine how wrong this belief is. That's why women think we're all such brainless lugs even though we've just about invented and built everything of any consequence in the whole fuckin' world! Still, because most of us don't "get it" when it comes to this mysterious, silent communication that goes on between the sexes, we're considered just a bunch of hopeless dumb asses.
But the few guys who do get "it" also get laid like crazy... even if they happen to look like goddamn trolls!
I'm sure you can think of some examples of this "troll" phenomenon right now, either from your own real life experiences or from the world of TV and entertainment. Just look at some of the Hollyweird pukes who have hot women draped all over them.
Courtney Cox (Monica from Friends) married to David Arquette? Are you fuckin' kidding me? He looks like that fat ass we groomed as our spitball target in sophomore chemistry class. Billy Bob Thorton and any of those hot Hollywood babes he's always seen hanging out with (including Angelina Jollie, the one that he married...) Huh? That 'Mr. 10 Minute Lube' greaseball who changed my oil yesterday is more appealing than this guy.
You can see how being accomplished at something and using it to change your attitude in such a way that you give off Dominant Male vibes can completely overwhelm whatever flaws might otherwise exist in your physical appearance. The game of seduction is viewed through an entirely different prism by women don't forget. Nobody looks like Fabio, (thank God!) Nor does any guy need to. We spent all of Chapter 3 discussing how women are turned-on mostly by the non-verbal signals that a man sends which proclaims his lofty position high up on the dominant male scale. Guys only look for signs of physical attractiveness in women. Tits n' ass, what else is there... right? But women look for attitude, which is vastly easier to fake.
We don't have to look good... we only have to learn how to act the part.
The only thing you have to keep in mind when it comes to looking good is simply to show that you are attempting to do the best you can with what you've got. In other words, grooming, hygiene and dress are more critical factors in your appearance than any natural handsomeness you might be lacking. Looking well kept demonstrates that you're a player and that you're concerned about how you are being perceived by women. This awareness by itself broadcasts a powerful signal of its own, and it's all "free"... i.e., no need to learn any slick dialog to get some attention directed your way. It's all visual and silent.
In other words, you can begin any seduction merely by giving the appearance of being active in the game... of being on the field of play and ready to do battle. That you show yourself to be a participant instead of some A ) whupped married guy, or B ) a defeated, withdrawn loner, sets the stage for the coming seduction by attracting interest from those women who think you might be their "type". Recognize that women are fickle, they might not like you just because of the way you smell. Remember how I showed you they have a nose for sniffing out a chemical in your blood that tells them instinctively if you're a good genetic match for making babies with them? Go back and review Page 37 if you forgot.
The point is that you can't be attractive to everyone out there, so be careful of the all-or-nothing thinking malady that's a product of toxic shame and the damage it does to your sense of Free Will. John Bradshaw calls this the Disabled Will... where you've fallen into the habit of thinking in unreasonable ways that seem more godlike than human, because you've lost touch with your own natural humility. Your rage might also be directed inwardly, making it difficult or impossible to see yourself in an objective light.
How to change all this? You've got to stay on top of your thoughts and self-talk patterns all the time or the twisted cognitive by-products of your repressed shame will take over. Then you'll be just another unattractive, uninteresting wacko for every woman out there to ignore and reject.
The most significant mental readjustment concerns your view of the nature of seduction itself. You must begin to see all the interactions that you're going to have with women from now on as a fun process, not a dire contest that must be "won". Learn to stay focused on the mere enjoyment of flirting and yanking her chain a little (the same way she likes to cocktease men), and avoid getting your guts all knotted up worrying about the outcome of any particular encounter. Process, not Outcome. Remember that. Put yourself into a mindset where the act of flirting and joking around becomes an enjoyable end game in itself.
Now don't get me wrong, you still have to understand what your ultimate goal is and to carefully steer events towards that goal as much as you are able to, but you must stop making it all so life and death. As with everything else in Life, balance is the key. Remember how I talked about those two "yin and yang" qualities that make a top notch salesman? Empathy and ego drive... consideration of the clients' feelings, but a steady push to close the sale and get your commission regardless? Right now you're probably all ego drive when it comes to seducing or picking up women - you put so much importance on the outcome, making the "sale", that the pressure to score is just enormous and frightening. Too frightening -- and you're paralyzed with fear.
If you can learn to think with a little more empathy instead, and forget about the need to score or get laid that night, you can take a more relaxed, playful approach to things. To develop some empathy, just remember to flirt for the mere sake of flirting and nothing more. Stop being so goal oriented -- at least initially. Once you've mellowed out your approach and gotten the empathy / playful thing down, then you can begin reintroducing a bit of ego drive into your temperament so that your flirting picks up more purpose and direction.
Of course, you can only carry on the flirting for so long before you reach "the wall"... a point where the woman expects you to escalate to the next logical phase of the seduction or get lost. You know what I'm talking about if you have shamed affection needs like I used to, because you'll find yourself so happy to be getting a rise out of her that you don't know when to quit and move forward. The problem is that you can't take it up a notch. Because you are so ashamed to escalate to the next level, you hold onto the flirting phase until you exhaust it. Notice how the woman suddenly goes cold and shuts you off? This happens because she feels like you were just teasing her to get your sick jollies. She accepts that flirting is how the man-woman thing gets started, but once it runs its course, its time to move on to the next step. She doesn't know that your shame prevents you from doing so... she thinks that you're just a prick who's been fucking with her. Bam! That sound is her slamming the door in your face. No mas. Get lost. Swift and certain rejection.
Learning when to escalate on cue is one of the most critical talents that you must possess in order to become a Master Seducer.
We'll get into all that in a moment. Right now I'd like to illustrate for you a few Don'ts to avoid when flirting with women. Doing these things will flag you as a low status male and shoot your chances all to hell with most every women out there (except maybe the lowliest "1's" or "2's"). Once we get these things out of the way, we can move forward to the more positive stuff...
Don't Be a Whiner and Complainer
The more powerless you are to affect things in your world, the more prone you are to complain about them because your frustration has no other outlet. Nothing tags you as a low-status, feeble male quicker than a non-stop barrage of pissing and moaning about anything and everything under the sun. Since you are a helpless, powerless victim of the tides of life, there's nothing left for you to do but bitch about it. And the more you complain, the more evident it is that your frustration has been ongoing and festering for a long time. You struggle under the burden of being one of lifes' chronic losers.
Do you think that dominant males gripe and complain about everything in sight? No? Why is that? Maybe because they have the power to do the things necessary to make their problems disappear? They fix the stuff that's wrong in their life instead of helplessly complaining about it.
Complaining = powerlessness = weak male.
See? Winning brings with it an "easy-goingness" that is its own special reward.
Women appreciate this like an intoxicating flagrance spilling out of your pores.
Losers emit an contrasting stench that drives away the female of the species. So even if you're just a minimum wage bottom-of-the-barrel joker who gets pushed around all day, don't take on the attitude of the defeated male that goes along with it! Otherwise your love life will only parallel all the rest of the shit that you eat on a daily basis.
Remember... attitude, attitude, AT-IT-TUDE! If you must do so, fake your way up through the ranks of the male scale -- at least until you can get yourself on the scoreboard and start to achieve some success with women. Then your confidence will build naturally and some of it will translate into a better situation in other aspects of your life. Maybe you'll find the balls to punch you boss in the face or something and find a better career or move to another city and get a fresh start, who knows? Courage creates its own destiny.
Don't Blab about Shit that Interests You Without Finding Out First if it's of Any Interest to Her
I'm amazed at, everywhere I go, how conversationally clueless most people are -both men and women. Most people seem to have the social sense of the average sledgehammer. I can't tell you how many times, in a restaurant or something, if you dare to open your attention to anyone, they will seize the opportunity to bend your ear about all sorts of crazy shit that's all wrapped up in their own little universe (personal problems, some new gizmo they just bought, etc. etc.) with scant regard as to whether or not you have any idea as to WHAT THE FUCK THEY'RE EVEN TALKING ABOUT! Sometimes they launch right into it without even the slightest attempt to set up what they're talking about with some background information first... it's like they're just picking up the conversation right where the two of you left off last time, except that there was no last time! Or like you're assumed to be telepathic or something and know what the hell they're talking about without being told. Sheesh!
I hope you're not a member of this club, but if you are then consider this to be your much-needed swift kick in the ass. Take a step back and try to see the entire picture. In order to establish a good rapport with someone there has to be some give and take, and a consideration of the other person's point of view. When you don't know someone, you have to chit-chat about obvious shallow things concerning your current surroundings or common knowledge subjects like sports and weather, or whatever. Then you very gently put out feelers and probe around for a topic that defines some common interest or passion that the both of you share - an interest in cars, politics, clothing fashions, pornography... whatever - and explore that together. Don't just start hammering away at someone out of the clear blue about some bullshit that you're frantic to talk about!
This kind of behavior red flags you as being so socially isolated you're desperate to talk to anyone who'll listen to you. It puts off people of both sexes and will only tighten the noose of your ostracization by causing you to be universally avoided.
Communication is always a two-way street. There always has to be some degree of give and take involved to really spark a conversation, otherwise the person being verbally dominated feels like they're just a listening post serving at the pleasure of the aggressor. It's dehumanizing. Certainly it conveys the message that there's nothing special about the person you're trying to talk to, since any warm body with a pair of ears and a functioning brain will serve as your foil. People have no desire to play this role, especially for a person who happens to be perfect stranger whom they couldn't give a shit about in the first place. A woman likes to think that a man finds her special in some way... that's why he's making an effort to meet her in the first place!
We'll talk lots more about specific kinds of man-woman communication, since seduction is really all about laying down the proper words on a woman. For now, just try to absorb the idea of how not to be a conversational boor and a bore. Oh and P.S., the best way to keep a woman interested in you is to get her talking about herself. You do the listening - speak only enough to guide the conversation along, always leading it back to her interests. If you're hitting it off, she'll be giving you cues as to what subjects to talk about if you take the time to listen carefully (another alien concept to a lot of people). We'll get into this when I show you a few simple tricks concerning how to establish a deep sense of rapport with anyone just like a professional (i.e., crooked) "used" car salesman. (Relax, all you wonderful used car salesmen out there who might be reading this, I'm just setting up the next segment on developing a sense of humor... ha, ha, ha...)
Understand the Difference Between a Sense of Humor and a Jokin' Asshole
Constantly spewing out a non-stop stream of dumb jokes and other dreck designed to keep everyone in stitches is another pathetic cry for attention... at least that's how it's perceived by most women. It's alright to make them laugh a little - in fact it's one of the finest ways there is to create a sense of affinity -- but there's an art to it that involves two critical elements: 1) Cleverness, and 2) Timing.
When it comes to humor, women are mostly impressed by a clever wit. An uncommon observation made from a twisted, funny perspective is sure to get them going. The timing aspect of it comes from knowing when to make the joke. You have to be patient and pick your spots carefully. Then, when you see the perfect moment, slip in your clever observation or cruelly funny take on things. Then shut the fuck up for a while! Don't overdo it and keeping stringing the joke along just because it was so good it got an initial laugh. This is what I mean by a "jokin' asshole"... a guy who doesn't know when to quit until he kills the source of the joke and everybody stops laughing. Yeah it feels good to make people laugh, but you have to be careful not to get addicted to the audience feedback and keep going back to the well too often because it will run dry. And it will do so very suddenly. Bang... now you've crossed over from clever guy with a sense of humor, to a pitiful jokin' asshole.
Humor is tough -- not everyone has a knack for it, but less is always more. Make a little clever joke here and there, then make your "exit" (metaphorically speaking) before you wear out your welcome. Better you err to the side of too little humor than too much. Always keep this cardinal rule in mind when developing your own personal sense of humor: humor is the product of a quick mind that can disassemble whatever's happening around it and put it back together in an absurdly enlightening way that tickles thefunnybone. Run a lot of funny scenarios in your mind, but keep most of them to yourself. Cull out only the very best stuff to present to your "audience". You'll get better at knowing when to pick your spots (timing) with practice.
Women also consider the non-stop joker to be a lamentable guy who needs to remain hidden behind his psychological mask. This is in fact what's actually going on with anyone who can't ever act serious, even for a moment. A jokin' asshole is the kind of guy who is so uncomfortable experiencing any real emotion that he tries to make light of everything around him in order to keep himself distant from all those scary feelings. Warning: women have less-than-zero interest in an 'emotion blocker'. This is poison. As you'll learn, a lot of what goes on between men and women is unspoken. Your behaviors are 'read' with more acuity than your words ever will be. Never forget this.
In order to use humor most effectively, you only need to remember the Golden Axiom of the professional comedian... always leave 'em wanting more!
• Don't Spill Your Guts Out on the Floor in the First Minute of a Conversation, Reveal Yourself Slowly...
This is the poor, shoeless cousin to the jokin' asshole... the kind of guy who's telling you all about the size and shape of his fuckin' hemorrhoids after you've "known" him for all of about thirty seconds! Why don't you just wear a sandwich board around your ass that proclaims: Desperate Loser In Dire Need of Someone to Share His Pathetic Life With and just save us all the trouble? There's no better way to throw a bucket of cold water on a budding seduction than by spilling out all your secrets, fears, medical history, early childhood traumas and bathroom habits within the first half hour of meeting someone!
MYSTERY!... you've got to establish some goddamn mystery with a woman! Did you ever see James Bond telling the sweet young hottie he's lining up for a cue shot into his bedroom all about his latest mission and how many evil geniuses he killed last week? No! And it's not just because he's been trained to be secretive about his life... it's because Bond is a man who is careful to always maintain an air of mystery about himself, and the women lap it up like kittens at a dish of warm milk!
Being mysterious is sexy, it's one of the most intriguing qualities in any man. Women are curious about a man who doesn't let on everything about himself -- and their curiosity is a hook that you can use to lead them around by.
I play around with waitresses at the various eateries that I hang out at, and I'm always careful to dole out only little bits and pieces of myself whenever I talk to them. They'll hang around and chit-chat with me -- inevitably slipping in a personal question now and then almost as if they can't help themselves. Their curiosity about me must really nag them! I paint a picture of who I am layer by layer though, forcing them to wait and see the finished product. But the product called "me" is never finished... I'm always mindful to toss them a curveball and show a different aspect of myself whenever they think they have me figured out or "pegged". This works to keep their interest piqued like a charm. It's a great method to use whenever you're in a situation where you frequently encounter girls that you'd like to seduce on a regular basis, like at work or school.
Just make sure to act like Bond, James Bond.
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