On rejection sensitivity

There's another aspect to shyness which might be giving you some distress, and that's the flip side of shyness which is rage. Rage, or even just a chronic, simmering anger that interferes with your ability to relate normally to others, is the dark twin of rejection sensitivity. Both these disempowering emotions have their source in a tenancy to derive a major portion of your self-esteem from the judgement of others. Walking around all the time being psychologically vulnerable to what you perceive to be the silent appraisal of everyone around you will make you hypersensitive and fearful. That's where your shyness comes from. But after a while, you will come to hate what you fear. Your "tormentors" will eventually catch the focus of your hatred and it will express itself as a barely contained urge to fly into a rage when things don't immediately go your way. Check yourself for road rage for instance. Got any? I thought so. This is a nasty, powerful emotion that you must learn to deal with before it takes complete control of you and you either lash out at others or yourself.

A lingering, just-below-the-surface anger is one of the chief impediments to your pursuit of women. It blocks you from exhibiting the patience necessary to effect a calm, confident, easy going manner that women read as the signature of a high status male. A guy who learns to vent with sarcasm or a short temper is only showing off his low male status. Just a lowly grunt who gets kicked around all the time... ya know? Feeling like you're a full time victim of life will make it difficult for you to make an impression with women that puts you in a favorable light.

I want you to be aware that this is yet another momentous battle you'll be fighting inside your own head. The cycle of failure-desperation-rage-failure has to be broken somehow. You must be determined to destroy it by practicing these guidelines even if you have to perform them like a robot at first. At least until you start to get some success and can calm down a little. There will come a time when you fail to collect a positive GO signal, but decide to press forward into a conversation anyway. Congratulations! You have kicked your fear in the balls for once! A good, solid, personal victory that only you can really appreciate.

If, despite your best efforts, if you don't get any lifelines from the girl, then she obviously isn't interested in you. Disengage gracefully and move on. Fighting the good fight now is like struggling in quicksand -- you'll only sink deeper and make it more and more impossible to extricate yourself without massive humiliation. Don't make the mistake of getting into a righteous test of wills with her. Your obstinate manner only convinces her that you are the kind of asshole she wants no part of. Some chicks act cool at first precisely to smoke out the kind of short-tempered joker who's very insecure and blows up at the first sign of being rebuffed. This is simply a test to determine your male status -- don't fail it! Here's where you really have to stand down your shame and refuse to let it produce the kind of delusional thinking about how everyone is out to get you. It's only reinforcing the cycle of 'social poverty' that keeps you stuck where you are.

Learn how to cut your losses and retreat with grace and dignity. Add the encounter to your experience base and learn something from it (!!!), then live to fight another day!

Courage Conqueror

Courage Conqueror

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