You realize, of course, that the complete picture of seduction goes beyond just communicating your intentions as a dominant male on the prowl. At different stages along the way, you will slowly reveal more and more things about yourself and your lifestyle that give her important clues as to what kind of man you are. One of those clues concerns the style in which you live and the look and feel of your apartment or home. Women will consider the way in which you live substantially into the calculus they use to determine if you're the kind of guy they want to hook up with. It really is an important consideration for you in painting the overall picture of your desirability as a potential mate.
Any woman that's worth your efforts is searching for a man, not an overgrown boy. The two are light-years apart, trust me. I've been both at different times in my life, and being a man is better. You can score a much higher quality of woman if you round out your image to that of a young man instead of an irresponsible boy. The best women out there have outgrown their 'boy' phase and are looking for real men now. A large part of that masculine character will reveal itself in how you currently choose to live. Women understand that things like a hot car and sharp clothes can be faked, but your living quarters will act as a kind of lie detector to separate the real men from the frat boys. They know you won't go through the effort of faking your living style just to look cool, it's too much trouble. But how you live proclaims a lot about your male status, dominant or otherwise. I would even go so far as to say that it can break or seal the deal, if you know what I mean.
There are two things to keep in mind when designing the look and feel of your living arrangements:
1) a woman should feel comfortable and welcome at your place, but...
2) it should look like a man lives there.
You have to walk the delicate middle road somewhere between "bear-cave" and a place that suggests you might be moonlighting as an interior decorator. Know what I mean, sssss-sweetie? Rather than sit here and list everything that I think you should change about the way you're currently cribbing, I'll just paint a little contrast between how a man's approach to living differs from that of a boy's -- and let you decide what kind of impression you're making with your present lifestyle. Then you can consider how you might wish to change some of those things in order to make your dominant male 'stock' begin to soar.
Inviting a woman to your apartment can be a pivotal moment in a seduction. You have an opportunity to really move the needle on your "sexy guy" meter in a positive direction, so take heed. When a woman enters your place for the first time, she's looking to discover what kind of guy you really are -- a man, or a boy...
Boys: Have posters of heavy metal bands and half-naked WWF Ring Girls on their walls.
• Men: Have a few classy art prints hanging around. You can find inexpensive prints that look great just about anywhere. They only need to be interesting and non-offensive, and even better if they have a common theme that suggests a passionate interest of yours. Men also like to display a few photos of family members, friends and adventure memories in the halls and living room... but NO ex-girlfriends or wives, please!
• Boys: Own a big, self-centered CD collection containing only the kinds of music (Metallica, Hole) that they like.
• Men: Have a nice variety of CD's in their rack... rock, jazz, blues, rap, a bit of classical, and even something offbeat like reggae. This is to accommodate the varied tastes of the different guests they entertain from time to time (other than their usual football-drinking buddies -- who all think exactly alike).
• Boys: Have nothing but beer (their own brand, of course) and Gatoraide in their fridge, maybe some Pepsi too.
• Men: Might have some wine (red table wines and white zinfandel), a classy beer (a mellow microbrew like Sam Adams, or something a little wilder like Corona), and a variety of soft drinks and juices. Why? Because, once again, he entertains people other than just his football bros.
• Boys: Still sleep in the single bed they've had since they were a kid.
• Men: Sleep in a small double bed in order to accommodate the female company they have over from time to time (yes indeed, this is what it suggests!)
• Boys: Are still getting mileage out of their ratty old the Star Wars comforter that they got for their 12 th birthday.
• Men: Own a dark solid comforter and bedding, use a cool top sheet and have two sets of pillows always made up and ready. When she peeks into your bedroom, a woman should be able to imagine herself tucked in there with you, get it?
• Boys: Have their porno collection laying all over the place so their buddies will think they are grown up and cool.
• Men: Will hide most of their nasty stuff but keep a few 'soft X' titles (Candida Royale, Playboy specialty tapes, or "hard R" movies) stored innocuously where she might find them one day when she's in a frisky mood. See how you can outsmart your opponent if you just use a little planning?
• Boys: Have their Playstation 2 on prominent display as the centerpiece of their home entertainment universe.
• Men: Have a 20"+ TV, a stereo, a VCR or DVD, and a backgammon board under the couch. You should have some interesting things to do with her other than just veg out and watch tv all of the time.
• Boys: Have mismatched chairs and an old, lumpy couch that they either got for free or paid $25 for at the flea market. And it stinks like old stale beer.
• Men: Own a soft, comfortable sofa or love seat which is great for cuddling on those cold winter nights. And it's clean too... what a concept.
• Boys: Houseplants? Isn't that like totally gay, dude?
• Men: No, not really... dude. Real live plants (the kind that you actually have to water now and then) add a touch of class and some atmosphere to your apartment. Women take notice of this kind of stuff when it comes to deciding whether she's dealing with a boy or a man. So just where would you like to end up in her mind... dude?
• Boys: Since mommy's no longer around to yell or pick up after them, the bathroom generally looks like one of Osama bin Laden's caveman hideaways shortly after a B1B bomber pays a visit.
• Men: Have accepted the responsibility of cleaning up after themselves. This goes for their entire apartment, but especially for the bathroom. It should be clean, and the toilet should be spotless, at least when you know that female company will be visiting. Women grade highly on this particular test. Fresh towels in dark solid colors convey a "manly" impression that will get her thinking about what it might be like to stay over and share a bath with you. Be sure to keep extra toilet paper and tissues in easy reach. Women have a fetish about these products. I think it's genetic. You can't fight it so you may as well accommodate their toiletry-phillia and score the extra brownie points.
• Boys: Maybe have a few wine coolers hiding in the back of the fridge somewhere behind the petrified cheese, I dunno.
• Men: Always have at least one good bottle of wine chilling in the fridge because they know that most women enjoy wine. Almost any type of white zinfandel is easy to take even if you're not into wines and haven't acquired a taste for them yet. And having a set of wine glasses shows that you are a man of taste. Another radical idea is to have variety of other beverages like soda, milk, tea, and bottled water handy. It also doesn't hurt to have a stash of fancy Haagen Daaz ice cream or some other kind of decadent treat to really put her in a cozy mood when the moment seems right.
• Boys: "You don't happen to have a few rubbers in your purse do you?... I think I ran out..."
• Men: Take responsibility for their part of the birth and disease control bargain in a relationship. Always have a few different styles of condoms ready and waiting for deployment in the bedroom dresser.
Get the picture? If you see yourself in the "boy" category way too much and not enough in the "man" category... well, I'm not your mother but you know what changes I would recommend that you make. It doesn't take a ton of money or a major upheaval of your life to embrace these kinds of new habits. And the rewards will begin to show up in the extra regard that you will see from the women that you become involved with. Why is that? Because...
• Boys: Are tolerated despite their childish ways.
You Evil Bastard, I should have never shown you any of this...
And so there you go... most everything that you need to know in order to gain the interest of a woman and to interact with her in a way that bestows upon you the highest chance for romantic success. I've poured out everything that I can possibly think might be of help to your Mighty and Noble Cause. But I get a sinking feeling that for some of you guys, I may have accidentally delivered the atomic weapon that you've been looking for in order to lay waste to all those who have wronged you.
Look, I hope that this book has been of genuine help in overcoming the greatest obstacle that has been keeping you from the arms of some hot chick for too many of your precious years... the fear of rejection. As our old Hall of Fame coach Marv Levy (Buffalo Bills 1986-1997) said during one of his commencement speeches:
"Expect rejection, but expect even more strongly to overcome it.
There will be many 'failures' sprinkled among the successes you enjoy.
Any such failure becomes just one bad time at bat if you refuse to let it defeat you."
Wise words. And it truly captures the crux of the Life Challenge facing any man. But a determination to look Fear straight in the eye won't always be enough. That's why I tried to provide you with the twin towers of knowledge and rudimentary mind tricks to help you disable those fears so that you can face down the shame that has distorted your thinking and twisted your emotional experience of life.
But all that good stuff aside, I'd like to kick around one final topic, and that's the bigger issue of your overall intentions. By that I mean simply... how do you intent to use this information? The social skill set that you will soon be able to employ in your own self-interest is very powerful. You can bet that the vast majority of men have no clue about the existence of many of the things that I've discussed with you in this book (male dominance scale, eye-reading cues, importance of the first kiss, etc.) and neither do most women for that matter. Oh sure a lot of people have a good intuitive sense of these things, and they're the one's we call 'naturals'but they probably never thought the entire subject through and considered it to the very fine degree that you and I have just finished doing. Are we better off for having attacked the topic head-on? Maybe. I have a sense that, in your own unique way, you will use this information to your distinct advantage.
Look, even just knowing what you should be doing in certain situations will give you the awareness to put some steady pressure on yourself to act in the correct manner. When you see a girl in a situation where it's possible to meet her you'll know that you need to act and how best to do it (i.e., get a signal). When the moment is right for a first kiss, you'll know that you must be the one to take the initiative or the flames will go out because of a failure to escalate. Did you even have any concept about the importance of having to escalate before reading Without Embarrassment? Maybe you sensed it in a vague way, but was that ever enough to actually get you focused on the actions that needed to be taken? In many cases I doubt it.
A Mind, once expanded, never returns to its original shape.
That old adage is just too cool. There is no going back to the "old you" once you've made a profound discovery in your life. You can never hope to unlearn any enlightening insight and go back to your old way of thinking. And that's both good and bad -- because I'm afraid that some of you guys might be ready to go off the deep end on me. Why? Simple...
You've been hurt. You are a rejected, low status male who's been shit on all his life from every corner of society... schoolmates, neighborhood bullies, bosses, so-called 'friends', and especially... women. The rage of the rejected male burns bright in you, and there's the temptation -- maybe even the determination - to make 'em all pay dearly. Have I just handed a shiny new AK-47 to a stressed out postal worker? (Just joking, USPO guys... heh, heh...) I hope not. I hope you understand that you now have the power to turn your social life around in a positive direction for possibly the first time ever, but I know that you could also be plotting just how many hearts that you can break for a change.
My advice: Try your damndest not to be petty. Make one of the aspects of your new character a determination to rise above the need to get even with anyone. (Or an entire gender for that matter!) I don't know what your life was like growing up... maybe one of emotional deprivation, or perhaps over on the opposite end of the spectrum -- the life of the spoiled brat. You may expect that most of the toxic shame we talked about earlier would be found stewing within the poor slobs who grew up in deprived family conditions, but I think that the spoiled childhood might even be worse for some of you guys. Adolescents can't learn to become emotionally resilient if they don't get any practice at having their every little desire frustrated once in a while. If your parents protected you from failure and disappointment at every turn of your life, then you may've simply gone into shell shock at the moment of your first flat out rejection by a girl... and still haven't recovered!
Whatever your reasons were for feeling that you needed the help I've presented in Without Embarrassment, I only hope that you won't let them get the best of you now and turn you into a vengeful seeker of female scalps for your trophy case. Hey, if you have to go through a few women for practice before you feel the time is right to zero in on your perfect soulmate, then go for it. I laid out what your criteria for happiness must be and how you should stand up for your principles like a man and not compromise. Just remember that you're playing with people's emotions. Yeah I know women have mercilessly fucked with yours all your life -- but like I said, this is now your golden opportunity to demonstrate that you're above and beyond all their petty bullshit. You can come out of your shell and play the game at a vastly higher level than they ever dreamed possible. Remember that, in Love, just like office politics, your success is the sweetest form of revenge!
The most completely wasted years of my life were from the age of 18 to 24.
At a time in your life when you should be getting a good grip on the balls of the world, I had collapsed into a complete and total shell of shyness and was working my way through what would end up almost being a wholesale withdrawn from the human race. I was probably on a glide slope to become the next Jeffrey Dahlmer (actually, I would have been first, but so what?).
As all my friends, one-by-one, began to 'normalize' and take up with girlfriends (even the ones who, like me, had never seemed to have any luck with girls during their early teens), I began to realize with a mounting panic that something was seriously wrong with me. I had somehow grown extremely fearful of approaching a woman in any kind of social setting, and the strange part was that I was otherwise a very outgoing and humorous kind of guy. The sort of guy that you imagine would be something of a natural with women. Sure I was kind of short (5' 7"), but I was well proportioned and athletic for my size. Lots of short guys were able to find girlfriends. But I had developed some kind of phobia and, back then, there was no thought of seeking any kind of help. Me?... crazy? You're nuts!
And yet there I was, unable to even look a waitress in the eye when ordering a meal at a restaurant... unwilling to go out with my friends to clubs and bars anymore because the frustration of being so deeply (socially) dysfunctional was too painful to bear... unable to speak up and say anything to a woman because I was deadly afraid that it would come out utterly stupid and make me look like a fool for even trying to reach out and make contact.
I was unable to take a pretty girl off the pedestal that I'd placed her on (in my mind) long enough to even see her as human. Incapable of comprehending the dark cloud of shame that had wrapped itself around my heart and taken control of me. Never catching a lucky break, never winning at any chance I did manage to take... always meekly laying down my timid bet of 'scared money' and immediately watching it snatched away from me. Seeing the fine line between 'losing' and being a 'loser' becoming blurred until there was no distinction to be made any more. I had reached rock bottom off the tail end of what seemed like a pretty average, happy and normal adolescence that was never fouled by any sort of trauma, even a mild one. So what the hell was wrong?... And why?
Maybe I did have a bit of luck after all, in retrospect. I was saved at the brink of the Deep End by stumbling into an association with a bunch of guys that had rented a cottage on the lake near a small beach hangout. It turned out to be a complete Animal House sort of arrangement with much drunken partying and all the hilarious shit that goes along with it. I was pretty much halfforced into a one-night stand with some girl while wandering around in a loaded daze one night. It grew into my first real relationship at the age of 26. We spent many happy years together that I will never forget before finally parting ways, but even during this and a subsequent long relationship, I never really did get any sort of clear understanding as to what the hell was wrong with me. It actually wasn't until I happened across John Bradshaw's work on Healing the Shame that Binds You did I finally start to put the pieces of the puzzle together. It took a lot of introspection and some other research be able to step back and finally see the complete overall picture that I've tried to present to you in this book.
I burden you with this sad tale of woe only to demonstrate that no matter how (Chap 7 -- Pg. 244)
hopeless you might feel your situation is, it isn't. You couldn't be as bad as I was, you just couldn't be. The understandings about both your internal motivations and the man-woman dynamic that I've detailed in this book really are the key to getting yourself out of the social death-trap that you've found yourself imprisoned in for much of your life. If I would've know this stuff when I was 18 or 20 I could have recovered years of my life - the best years - from the miserable pit of loneliness and isolation into which I ultimately lost them. So don't give up and don't let your cynical, thick skin stop you from taking what I've shown you to heart and using it, really using it, to help turn your life around. You still have plenty of time... even if your 60 years old reading this! I don't care. It's the truth articulated as best I can make it in a way that I hope is unique enough to be helpful to as many of you guys out there as will ever need it.
On that heartfelt note I will take my leave of this long-winded treatment on a subject that is pivotal to any real chance of happiness that you or I can ever hope to find. Without a woman in your life, all your other accomplishments will seem hollow and pointless. I don't need to tell you any of this, you already know it.
If you have any questions or comments about Without Embarrassment, please feel free to e-mail them to me as often as you'd like. As a purchaser of this book you now have unlimited rights to pick my brain for as long as you feel the need to. I would be thrilled to hear from all you grunts laboring out in the field. Tell me your problems, mistakes and victories; ask me relevant questions (or even stupid ones, I don't care); give me your cherished war stories -- both the good and the bad. I'll try to answer as many of your communications as humanly possible, and I'll post the best stuff on the website in the form of an FAQ page so everyone can learn from them. Don't worry, I'll keep all your names and e-mail addresses unpublished and confidential, so you can ask me anything or chew me out a new asshole or whatever you feel compelled to do, in complete anonymity. (Just don't forget to tell me what a goddamn genius I am, too... ;-)
You can e-mail me by going to www.highstatusmale.com and clicking on the Contact link on any page. And don't forget to keeping checking the site every now and then for new stuff. Without Embarrassment is a living document that will continue to grow and change as we all chip in and add our experiences to it. Together, we will flesh out new angles and important insights into this most fascinating of subjects!
Now begone -- young Jedi -- and let your Social Adventure begin!
Mike Pilinski August 15, 2001
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