The essence of early courtship conversations is to communicate, with and without words, This is who I am. I hope you like me. Tell me about yourself so I can discover if Hike you. DYNAMICS—A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE
In the game of backgammon, opening moves are so crucial the outcome is often decided in 30 seconds. It's the same in this game. When you do and say the right things during the critical first moments, the moments turn into minutes. The longer you sustain contact, the easier it is for her to see you're safe, then interesting. Only after that, can she find you attractive.
Once she's decided you're not a threat, she discreetly checks you out physically as the conversation continues. If you measure up, and if you don't break any of the Eleven Commandments of Meeting, two things take place during the next few minutes. First, she decides if you're a playboy. If you do nothing and say nothing that makes her think you are one, the next thing she does is wonder what you'd be like, should you persuade her.
To persuade her, you must reveal yourself so she can decide. Talk about what you like and dislike as you give her plenty of openings to do the same thing.
The typical courtship conversation is a casual chat at a wedding reception. The first topic is how you and she know the newly married couple. You go first and tell her. "Hi. I'm Don, on Sally's volleyball team."
If she doesn't reciprocate, help her past these awkward first few moments. Give her something she can handle easily, no matter how anxious she may be. Something like, "Do you know Sally from college?"
It makes no difference what she says, you should always respond with information about yourself, "Oh yeah? I've known Sally for three years, met her when I joined the team with Roger, over there, my boss at Hawaiian Antiques. Do you play volleyball?"
The key is giving her information about you, so she'll give you information about herself, then you'll have something to talk about.
You can always say, "Nice reception, great band." Or, "Nice weather we're having." It's safe, not helpful. These statements are useful when your brain freezes, as it will from time to time.
You have to defrost it quickly though and get back to revealing yourself. "Seen that new talk show with Danny Bonaduce? It's like the others but I keep asking myself when the rest of the Partridge Family's going to come on. Weird!"
For example, "Did you like the Partridge Family?" Or, "Sally and Allan always come to my annual Raider Party. She doesn't like football but loves to party. You like pro football?"
Always, reveal yourself first, then give her the chance to do likewise, "You know Sally from college?" "You play volleyball?"
Only show your interest nonverbally so she can respond nonverbally, that way no one's afraid of being rejected. Send her a few subtle signals of interest as you keep your eyes open for her signals. SAFE SUBJECTS ONLY
Your views on capital punishment have nothing to do with the emotional and physical attraction of courtship. Reveal yourself while talking about movies, television shows, music, colleges, skiing, back packing, cars, sport teams, beach weather, where you've been recently, or are about to go. FORBIDDEN TOPICS
Never discuss religion. Avoid emotion-producing subjects: abortion, civil rights, welfare, sex, politics, well, you get the idea.
Sex is verboten during early conversations. Don't bring up the subject in any fashion. Don't respond in kind to her sexual innuendoes or off color jokes. Change the subject without making her feel as if she committed a faux pas. Don't swear even if she says "fuck" every few sentences. Some women do much of this as a test to see if you're interested in her as a sex toy or if you like her as a person. Pass the test. MEN'S VIEW OF WOMEN AND PROFANITY
Most men are disoriented by a female who swears a lot or they think she's an easy lay. As a woman, reserve profanity for moments when you need to be emphatic. Save vulgarities for crucial situations when you want his undivided attention so you can make a key point.
During each conversation, genuinely compliment her once, and only once. Your compliment must be genuine because most women are able to identify bullshit at 1000 yards.
, As stressed previously, comment on something that others don't normally notice. Not her beautiful hair. Not her beautiful eyes. Not her beautiful complexion. Maybe her teeth. But, if you can notice something that reveals her personal taste, she knows you're different, and special. Her clothes, shoes, jewelry and accessories are the ways she makes a statement about herself. WOMEN MUST ALWAYS SAY
During each conversation, compliment him on something you genuinely like. However, if you are not used to complimenting men, it is a skill that can be readily learned. The key is to be observant. Look him over, head to toe. Find something you sincerely like. Then tell him that you do, in a matter of fact manner.
Absolutely never say, "I'm never getting married again." Never volunteer that you're dating other women. Don't belittle her beliefs, values or tastes. Keep your cynicism to yourself. Don't mention or look at another female. Don't knock marriage and children.
When you can weave it in without being obvious, disclose yourself as single and available, "When I got divorced, bla bla." Or, "My ex-girl friend used to, bla bla."
Statements about yourself are best, followed by a question. But ask questions carefully. Don't seem nosy or trying to find out where she lives. You're a suspected molester. She doesn't want you following her home, at least not yet. More about this delicate topic in a few paragraphs.
Talk about anything she's interested in. Keep the topics non-controversial but show yourself. Give her plenty of opportunities to reciprocate. That's what this phase is all about.
Reveal more of yourself in second and third conversations. What kind of music, cars, clothes, food, restaurants, and such you like. Later, or, even now, if the time is right, reveal what you like to do that's radically different.
Talking about places you've been or are going is always good unless you come across as trying to impress her. If you're able to discuss it without trying to dazzle her, travel is a good, safe, useful topic.
As always, you go first to find out if she's geographically desirable, too. Delicately weave in where you live and which town you work in. You're putting the ball in her court. If she gives you this info, it's solid evidence she's attracted to you, even if done in an oh-by-the-way manner.
Don't push this. Right now it's not important, so don't blow it. If she reciprocates, great. If not, wait a few sentences or paragraphs. Don't put any pressure on. It can be done with grace and subtleness, "Is that a long drive from where you live?" after she mentions where she goes to school or works or plays. If that doesn't get it out of her, wait a while, then say, "So which town do you live in?" but only when the time is right. "Where do you live?" is direct and makes her stumble, as well as feeling pressure. "You from around here?" is a bush league, boy's move, demonstrating strong interest too soon.
Keep talking. Keep revealing yourself. Listen for anything she says that makes it feasible to suggest future contact for any reason. SETTING IT UP TO DATE HER
The set up includes disclosing you're single and available as described above. Other setups include thinking of some way she could do you a favor. Like asking if she knows anyone with a VW Thing for sale or if she sees one for sale to tell you. Anything to get her to think about you when you're not there.
What can you do a woman usually can't? Hook up car stereos and home stereos, video cassette recorders and other mysterious electronic devices? Can you do income tax returns? Think. Make a list of what you can do before you meet her. LATER CONVERSATIONS AND BEYOND
Continue revealing yourself, especially things you like to do that she's probably never tried. Other than that, you only have to talk about topics of interest to her.
Today, before you meet her, sit down and write a slanted, interesting one page autobiography. Commit it to memory. She'll ask, probably after two conversations, about you and your history. On the first real date, she'll want to know details, somewhat like a pedigree. Don't brag. Do say what you've accomplished that you're proud of.
Be ready to discuss your divorce honestly and without sadness or regret in your eyes, tone of voice or on your face. If you can't do this, you're not ready for her no matter how ready you are in all other ways.
Don't be afraid to say you've screwed up. It makes you a human being. Don't dwell on it and come across like a loser or a basket case.
At this point, with and without words, you have passed her tests and proven that you are potentially worthy.
My advice about not asking for a date, but rather, suggesting a date, is covered in Dating, the next chapter, and the next step of this courtship.
I don't care where we go I don't care what we do I don't care pretty baby just take me with you. PRINCE
Let's spend the night together. MICKJAGGER
What is a date? The next to last step of courtship. It's any activity undertaken in the pretext of having fun so that the female has time to decide, consciously or subconsciously, if she has been persuaded by a worthy male.
Men, it took persistence, time and patience to interest her and prove yourself. Even now that she's attracted, more of the same is required for her to be persuaded to take the last step. Don't remember what the last step is? Flip back to What Is Courtship and refresh your memory as to why we human animals go through this elaborate courtship business. FIRST DATES
The purpose of a first date is to show her that you really are worthy. You only need a few hours.
Use your head. What has she mentioned during conversation? Suggesting a drink is fine. It's not much to ask for, it's got a built-in time limit, thus easy to accept.
Lunch at the park is on neutral turf. There, you're both equally distant from home base. No one is too defensive. But it's more of a commitment unless you add, "I've got to be back by 2 PM."
Sunday brunch is great. During the suggestion make it easier to accept by time limiting it. Add that you have to be somewhere by 3 PM.
A dinner date is too much for starters. In our culture it implies dinner and. Save it for later on after things have heated up. DON'T ASK
Want to ruin everything? Just say one of these: "Would you like to," "Ifyou're not busy," "Can you."
Why? Because The Right Attitude that attracts and fascinates her turns to wispy smoke the instant you ask for permission.
Suggest, don't ask. "I like talking with you. Let's have brunch Sunday, at Charlie Brown's." Make statements. Be positive. You're in charge here.
Maintain The Right Attitude. You'd like to date her but you're not dying to. It would be cool, but if she says "no," it's not even a slight ripple in your world. You're relaxed. You know she wants to go out with you, will go out with you, if you proposition her the right way, next week or next month. THE SUPREMACY OF TOUCH
Touch is the most powerful, most reliable sense we have. When we doubt our eyes as to whether or not the flowers on the restaurant table are real, we reach out and touch them.
With their differently wired brains, women have the ability to discern even the most subtle meaning in a man's touch. As a woman, use this ability to assure yourself that he is what you think he is, even when this stage has been reached.
On Shaking Hands explained that as a woman, you have the ability to communicate a tremendous amount of information about yourself, your motives, your wants, your needs, your dislikes as well as your limits, simply by the way you touch a man. Use what you have.
IT ALWAYS BEGINS WITH A TOUCH
We were raised in a culture where touching is generally unacceptable. If you doubt this, notice how we behave in an elevator!
The point is, during the early stages of a date, the two of you must get used to touching each other, but it must be done gradually.
In the unwritten courtship rules of our society, it is not proper for a man to touch a woman for at least ten minutes. Then, his touch must be socially appropriate so that his real purpose is disguised. For example, he can ask to see her heirloom ring, then gently touch her hand, ever so briefly, as he admires the ring and talks with her about it's age and origin.
But, the same unwritten rules say it's okay for the woman to touch the man almost immediately, however, she must also be socially appropriate so that her real purpose is disguised. For example, a woman can put her hand on a man's hand or wrist under the pretext of getting his attention or she can reach out and feel his tie if she says at the same time, "Nice! Quite different."
Caution! Men, if you try too hard not to touch her because you don't want to appear inappropriate, she may feel unattractive and rejected on a subconscious, possibly even a conscious, level. TOUCH AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE
Women, if you like him and the way things are proceeding, touch him early and often. Then as things continue, you can increase or decrease the pace and intensity of the arousal simply by touching him or withholding your touch.
Men, she must get used to the feel of you. Touch her at every socially acceptable opportunity from the first moment. Each time you touch her, she is able to subconsciously judge your worthiness and attractiveness.
Help with her sweater, admire her bracelet or necklace. (Careful Buddy!) Pat her on the back for a great joke or other excuse. Help her put on, or take off her coat, take her arm as you open the car door and gently guide her, "accidentally" brush her hand as you give her the menu. Don't be obviously trying to touch her! That puts you in the Dirty Old Man category instantly. EBB AND FLOW
A successful date (she is being persuaded) has a rhythm to it. Anticipation, excitement and arousal come and go. They intermingle with pleasant relaxation and enjoyable conversation, which, in turn, are replaced by anticipation and arousal. EXCHANGE SIGNALS
When the pace is correct, the signals that both people send are ever-increasing interest, readiness and excitement. As she is more fully persuaded, the woman gradually grows more submissive and the man gradually becomes more dominate.
From the woman's point of view, she must be prepared to signal the man to slow down if he's coming on too strong. At the same time, if he's persuading her, she must project arousal and excitement mixed with coy resistance.
From the man's point of view, he must nonver-bally project confidence, power and dominance except when reassuring her. As always, he must maintain The Right Attitude.
Remember, this is a situation in which your ego can get destroyed in less than a heartbeat. You can be humiliated for weeks by a few choice words or even a look. Thus, during it all, both man and woman need to interweave signs of reassurance. WHAT TO WATCH OUT FOR
The key nonverbal signals a man must be on guard for are signs of nervousness or anxiety. When he notices any, he must slow down and reassure her.
He must also be prepared to notice boredom, impatience or anger and make appropriate adjustments. Sometimes he must ask her directly to determine if it's the activity that is causing the problem, such as playing video games in an arcade when she would prefer just walking along the avenue and window shopping.
The topic of conversation may be boring, or she may be restless with the slow service at the restaurant. Then again, he may be dominating the conversation by regaling her with tales of his grand exploits.
Men and women, keep the conversation light and pleasant. Avoid controversial subjects. Reveal your likes and dislikes in movies, sports, food, travel, drinks, games, and such. Arranging a second date is much easier after finding out where you two fit together. Work into the conversation things you like to do and places you like to go.
Men, when she reciprocates, ask some questions, then add, "That sounds like it might be fun. Let's go there sometime " and see what her reaction is. Don't firm it up even when she's very positive. Wait.
If she knows how to do something that you don't, see if she'd like to teach you, sometime. If she knows of an interesting restaurant, again say, "It might be
Looking at wristwatch Asking what time it is Tapping Blank stare Drooped eyelids foot
Head in hand Hand on side of face or head
Doodling Drumming fingertips Swinging leg fun to go there sometime." SET UP A SECOND DATE
Men, if she asks you with a time and day, fine, she's serious. Go ahead and make a date. But when she asks casually, she may be testing. So, say, "That sounds like fun. Let me check my schedule. I'll call you."
Don't appear to have an open calendar or to be willing to shift things around to fit her offer. You're a man, a busy powerful man. Don't accommodate your life to anyone's schedule. You're the catch here. You have The Right Attitude.
Want to ruin everything? Say or suggest or imply: "When can we get together again?" or, "When will I see you again?" or "Let's do this again sometime soon." Why? Because you're chasing her, and that destroys the attraction of The Right Attitude.
Do let her know in plain English you are having fun talking with, and being with her. But don't ask for a second date. A SECOND DATE, MAYBE
For her to want a second date with you, the first date has to be a great experience. Have fun together. You want her to think, That was great. He's fun. Wonder why he didn 't even try to kiss me good night? Maybe he doesn 't like me.
Men, even if something's been semi-setup, wait a few days, then call and talk for a while. See how the vibrations are. If they're positive, suggest, don't ask for, a non-romantic date. If she's negative, sit back and wait for her to call you. It'll be a long wait, like the rest of your life.
However, when she's neutral, don't ask, suggest a non-romantic date. When she declines with a real-istic-sounding excuse, wait a week or more then try once more. If she still has an excuse, see above re garding what to do when she's negative.
Men, after the first date, if she doesn't want to go out with you again, she won't no matter what you propose. Don't chase. You have The Right Attitude. PERSUASION IN ACTION
Each of us has seen the supreme climax of courtship. We all share the knowledge of perfection. Rhett stops talking, sweeps Scarlett off her feet and climbs the stairs with her in his arms.
Men, that can be you, if you follow the advice in the next chapter.
To many women, and some men, the next chapter is shocking as well as depressing. It is aimed at divorced men who were married for a substantial amount of time, thus do not understand the realities that single women face at the beginning of the 21st Century.
However, many women who reviewed early versions of the book appreciated the chapter. The gist of their comments was, "Yeah, I don't like it, but I can see some of that in myself. Especially about wanting him to prove it by changing to nice."
Everyone, please persist during, On Not Being Too Nice.
Treat me mean, treat me cruel but love me, ELVIS
On Not Being Too Nice
Men, not being too nice is a mandatory, all inclusive mandate you must follow to have The Right Attitude.
Of course she wants you to treat her nicely, fairly and with respect. However, what you consider nice, fair and respectful is rarely what she hopes for. Why? Because every woman is an individual human being with her own story to tell, her own personal goals, values and morals, just like you.
She has a unique history of bad and good times at the hand of males, beginning with Daddy, followed by boyfriends, fiancees, and ex-husbands. Many have also had an ego-crushing, heart-breaking experience with a master manipulator like the professional game player, Randy RedPorsche.
Women, if this information does not apply to you, ignore it. Caution! If it does apply, don't take it personally. I'm merely reporting a well-known, documented phenomenon. However, if it does apply, a heart-felt re-examination of your values and expectations is in order.
I love being nice. It is my nature to be nice to anyone I like but even more so to women I enjoy. By nice I mean considerate, polite, open, vulnerable, giving, attentive, appreciative, warm, accepting, gentle, demonstrative and expressive with my affection, and such.
During the early aftermath of my divorce I found women to be unappreciative, even offended by my inclination to be nice. I was shocked and disappointed.
I soon learned that nearly all women find this behavior unacceptable in any male. There have been a couple of wonderful exceptions but even those women resisted being treated well at first.
Meeting someone nice disorients her. I don't know if she thinks it's too good to be true. I do know many women saw me as a wimp and lost respect, as well as interest, quickly. How do I know? Because I got tired of striking out and asked in simple English, "What did I do wrong?" Good old feedback.
Here are some possibilities. She's been treated poorly for so long by Daddy, her boyfriends and her ex-husband that it seems normal, manly. Or, she's been catered to for so long she's tired of it. Daddy spoiled her. Jimmy adored her. Her ex chases her. She wants you to "act like a man." Then again, she may be like many people who perceive nice as weak. A WOMAN'S VIEW ON NICE'
This letter is by 22 year old Hillary Heinz, Eugene, Oregon, in response to an advice columnist asking why women put up with abysmal treatment from boyfriends.
Although I swore I would never put myself through the torture I saw several friends go through, I broke up with several wonderful (nice) guys to obsess over an unattainable jerk. Then I clung to a guy who was nicer to strangers at the bus stop than he ever was to me.
When I finally found the incredible guy I'm with now, I was sure it wouldn't last, because he was "too nice to be interesting," Fortunately, I was so exhausted from years of trying to make the wrong guys love me, I relaxed and gave him a chance to show me how remarkably intelligent, likable and lovable he is, how much fun we could have together—and how nice it was to be happy for days, weeks, months on end.
And then the real reason for the "nice guy" problem occurred to me: I actually caught myself thinking, "He's nice to me, but he's nice to everybody! How will I ever know he loves me?" Then I realized that young women don't want to be treated like dirt. They want to be treated nicely by guys who aren't nice—guys whose only reason to be nice would be that they were compelled to change by their love for that special girl, thus providing her with coveted proof of her lovability.
Take a look at nearly every trash novel. The hero is a heartless rake or a villain who only because of his overwhelming love for the heroine changes his ways. It's a popular fictional approach to relationships, but it never works in reality, because the guy never changes!"
This is the best explanation I've ever come across. It matches my experience. It rings true. Who knows? Who cares? Too nice does not work in the beginning and for an unknown time thereafter. ONLY COMMODES ACCOMMODATE
Being accommodating is absolutely the kiss of death. You know, adjusting your schedule to hers, agreeing to see the movie she wants after a minor tiff, changing a lunch date because her girl friend is in town.
As stunningly stupid at it sounds, some of them see you as accommodating if you yield to her desire for Mexican food instead of Chinese!
Commode is spelled like accommodate. Use this memory association technique to prevent your affair from ending up in the commode.
Eventually, she may be able to accept your nice treatment of her, phone calls just to talk, flowers, back rubs, presents and so forth. But early on she will simply drop you.
I wish it were not like this, but it is. My helpful hint is simple-Live with it.
Here are some detailed Helpful Hints for everyone.
Only the amateur thinks he knows everything.
ROBERT LUDLUM Response to criticism, for using any source in his writing,
Keep this knowledge to yourself. Do not point out someone's body language and tell them what it means. Why? People will consider you ah arrogant showoff. Besides, nobody believes in body language anyway.
Women and men, do this on airplanes as you are boarding. Sit on the aisle. Put your property on the window seat to prevent unwanted traveling companions from asking to sit there. When you see someone you want to talk with coming down the aisle, discreetly remove your property, make eye contact and smile.
When a couple holds hands, stands arm in arm, or is in constant physical contact with each other at a social gathering, they are "saying, neither of us is available. Another interpretation, one of us is afraid the other will go after someone new. WHERE TO SIT TO MEET SOMEONE
The best way to transmit and receive nonverbal messages is when your eyes can meet and the fronts of your bodies are facing. Choose the seat opposite the person not the one beside him or her. When the group is standing and conversing, put yourself on the opposite side so you are face to face with your potential beloved.
When you meet someone who is sitting, shake hands from the standing position, then squat down to talk. If you continue to stand, the person feels uncomfortable looking up and you are intimidating by being taller. After a few minutes, if the vibes are good, ask "Mind if I sit there and join you?" SPOTTING GAME PLAYERS
Women, look for lack of congruence, slickness or over-the-top self-confidence. Men, look for smoothness and lack of fear. Remember, game players often dress the part.
Women, when you were young, a boy liked you if he pushed you into the swimming pool or chased you with a bug. Today, when a boy, no matter his age, is interested and he does not know how to tell you, he does something similar.
When an adult male teases or plays with you in a good-hearted manner, consider it foreplay. But, there are some men who tease in a mean, hurtful manner, then try to blame it on you when you take offense. They usually say, "What's the matter with you? I was only joking around." Why? Because they are bleepholes.
Men, free-spirited women of all ages also play and tease to initiate courtship. Pay attention. WIDE WITH DELIGHT
When we see something we like, our pupils dilate to let more of the lovely sight reach our brains. This reaction is involuntary, beyond everyone's control. Several well-known tests have demonstrated how reliable this sign is.
In the most famous test, duplicate photographs of a woman's face were shown to men. The men were asked which shot they preferred. More than 90 percent of the men selected the picture in which the woman's pupils had been air brushed to be slightly larger. When asked why they preferred that picture, not a single man could identify the difference.
During courtship, one of the surest signs of interest is dilated pupils but it's the hardest to become aware of. It's a skill that can be learned if you focus on the other person's eyes. Of course, you can't appear to be staring or gawking.
In another notable experiment, secret, extremely close-up movies were made of men's eyes as they flipped through a stack of photographs. The pictures were placed upside down and included scenic views, children at play, architecture and Playboy centerfolds. Every man's pupils nearly doubled in size when he turned over a photo and confronted a nude beauty.
In poker, if you are dealt a probable winning hand such as a full house, when peeking at the cards, your pupils involuntarily widen to let in that beautiful sight. When expert poker players notice this from across the table they fold their hand to prevent you from winning a bigger pot.
At the World Championship of Poker, shown on ESPN, most professional gamblers wear dark glasses and a hat pulled low over their brow when seated at the table to prevent opponents from seeing their eyes.
FOR WOMEN WHO DON'TSMILE
If it's hard for you to make eye contact and smile, you must learn to do it. As with every other skill you've learned and perfected, it takes practice. Don't begin with men you want attention from. Begin with people who are safe. For example, the service people you meet on a daily basis, at the service station, at the lunch counter, in the grocery store.
Every day, in every possible setting, make eye contact and smile. Walking out of the elevator, depositing your check, while seating yourself in the company cafeteria. Make eye contact and smile. Do it until it's easy and automatic. DON'T BLIND YOURSELF
As a woman, you must be constantly aware of your intuition, then trust it. Your emotions cannot, and will not, lie to you. But, you can deceive yourself by ignoring your emotions and intuition. That's blinding yourself, then complaining that you could not see he was a dishonest hustler. SMOKE DETECTOR
Smokers give body language readers an added advantage. The mere act of reaching for a cigarette often indicates reaching for a security blanket or a baby's pacifier. Smoke blown up is confidence. Smoke blown down is lack of confidence, anger or disgust. Tapping a cigarette on the ashtray like a drumstick reveals boredom or mild annoyance. But beating a cigarette on the ashtray angrily is, you guessed it, a sign of anger.
Dragging deeply on a cigarette is often a disguised gasp of astonishment or a method of pausing to gather one's thoughts. At other times it's an attempt to relax by breathing deeply then exhaling deeply.
Touching means possession and dominance. This is easiest to see in photos of men posing with their new boat, antique car, or even a dead deer.
Putting your feet on your desk, even one foot on the open bottom drawer says, "This is mine."
When someone walks into your office and puts his hands on your property in any manner, he is saying, "I am the real owner of everything in this area, including you!"
Your nonverbal response must be, "Get your damn hands off my stuff!" Reach over, pick up whatever he's fidgeting with. Take possession. Put it where he can't reach it. Don't say anything. Don't explain. You are in charge.
In the library or the cafeteria, putting your purse or briefcase on a table or chair means that piece of furniture and the surrounding area belongs to you. PHONE-Y-NESS
It's easiest to be lied to on the telephone. All you have to go by are the words, the tone of voice and the pauses. Your eyes get nothing. Beware! OTHER USES OF BODY LANGUAGE
Encourage your boss to keep talking by appearing to listen attentively. Sit up, lean forward, nod, give him a few "uh hull's," raise your eyebrows, tilt your head. Keep your hands off your face and mouth. Don't cross your arms in front of your chest. Don't steeple. Women, don't subconsciously cross and uncross your legs or send any other courtship signals.
Overstaying your welcome in his office makes him see you as dull, inattentive and not getting the work done. When he's done talking, he looks at his watch. If you miss that, he straightens papers, then looks at the papers not at you.'...If you don't get the hint, he puts his palms on his knees as if he's about to stand. If you're still babbling, he turns his chair and faces the door. If he stands up, you're a dimwit in his eyes.
SEX AND ANTHROPOLOGY People interested in the biology and evolution of courtship, see SEX IS NUMBER 4, in the Appendix. I
hope the information there helps each gender understand that the seemingly unnecessary, often hurtful courtship behavior of the opposite sex is frequently beyond the other person's control. REINFORCED LEARNING
During the coming weeks you are going to become extremely aware of your own body language as well as everyone else's. Great! Why? That information enables you to decide just exactly who's who and what's what.
A couple of days after you finish the main part of this book, read the Summary that follows the Appendix. Then in a few weeks, read it again. Why? Because as time passes, your subconscious will integrate much of what you will have been observing. Then after you review the fundamentals, you will be able to carry on courtship conversations and you won't have to concentrate so hard on what is being said without words. Eventually, you'll be able to relax and let it happen, not make it happen.
Body Language Elaboration covers the details and the finer points you need to discover who she is, then to "tell" her who you are, without words.
This chapter has been added since the first edition was published. The questions and comments are from men who are members of my discussion group on the internet. Women will learn much about men, and themselves, too.
Lengthy excerpts from OFFICE POLITICS: The Woman s Guide To Beat The System immediately follow the next chapter.
WARNING! Most women should skip the information after that and proceed directly to the Appendix and Summary. Why? Because those intervening pages are written by a man for men. It is brutally abrupt and frank. Forewarned is forearmed.
A woman cannot meet a man, any man, without thinking, even if it's for half a second, 'Perhaps this is The man.'
This chapter is from my newest book, Volume II -Advanced Skills, How To Date Young Women For Men Over 35. It's aimed at guys who have read the first volume. My writing style in those books, and this chapter, is brutally blunt. It may be offensive to some. No offense is intended. It's just how we men talk about women, when you are not around.
Women of all ages can learn a great deal about how we men think, as well as the doubts and struggle we have trying to meet you, then date you. INTEREST AT A PARTY
Dear Don and Joanna, I especially liked, and learned a lot from the seminar demonstration where she was giving you signals from across the room while conversing in a small group of people. That's exactly the body language Debbie did at the pool where I met her, but she was by herself so I knew what to do!
In that demonstration, you showed us that once mutual signs of interest were exchanged, you signal the desire to talk with her alone by walking toward the group while looking at her and then you veered away and kept walking.
What would be the next thing to do? Would you stop somewhere, examine a painting, and let her make the next move? Guess I've answered my own question.
Steele Sez: You partially answered your own question. Remember, a young woman is strongly concerned about the social danger you pose. That is, she does not want anyone in the room to realize that she's considering an older lover. The essence is to communicate with your eyes, as you pass by, that you are being discreet and will be discreet.
At the party and well afterward, your primary focus is on reassuring her by your casual, not obvious, actions that you will not cause her any social problems.
After passing by, make yourself accessible so that she can approach you when she is able to break out of that group. She may come over and chat, but most likely she will move to a location where she can exchange further non-verbal signals with you in a way that does not attract attention.
From there, follow the step-by-step instructions and strictly adhere to the now famous Ten Commandments of Meeting and Eleven Commandments of Courtship.
SHE'S LOOKING AT MY CROTCH!
This is from a 50 year old who is just getting his find-meet-talk-date-mate legs under him. It's all new, exciting and a bit disorienting because as he told me, 'Tve been doing everything all wrong for years and years!" Here's what he asked about.
Another good thing your books are doing is increasing my awareness of stuff I never noticed before. I was in the video store last Monday night and for the first time I realized the clerk, a woman of 30, glancing at my crotch. She did it twice quickly. JM, Jersey
Steele Sez: Go back to the store and have something to talk about such as, "Quentin Tarantino, the director of Pulp Fiction, used to work in a place like this. How do you like working here?"
Talk about movies you like. Bid her a fond farewell and as you're parting, say, "See you Thursday." She'll smile and say "Okay," or say, "I don't work Thursday." You say, "So when do you work?" She'll tell you. Nod, smile and leave. Do not say that you'll see her on that day. Then, show up on that day and rent a movie.
She'll tell you something about herself if you go first and tell her something about yourself as explained. At the appropriate moment, introduce yourself and shake hands with her.
Don't talk to her for more than a few minutes. You're a busy, important man with places to go and people to see. Compliment her once during the conversation about her accessories, jewelry or attire. Pay attention and be aggressive with your eyes to find something you can genuinely say, "That's a very attractive ring! An heirloom?" The compliment must be genuine. If you can't find anything to be genuine about, don't say anything.
Say good bye using her name, "Nice meeting you, Debbie. Seeya." FRENCH SUCCESS STORY
Dear Don, I have been using your techniques very successfully, especially Body Language Secrets. I met a 25 year old French girl, Marie. She is beautiful. I ate dinner with her today and really paid attention to her body language.
She sounded happy the whole time, but at times her body language would get very closed. Some of it was when I would talk about subjects that did not interest her. I found that if I also got closed for a while and then opened up, she would too. I believe you talked about this in your book, I was also very laid back and non-aggressive. I was giving off vibrations that I liked her, but I didn't need her. I can tell there are good things ahead for me with Marie.
What is your experience with French women? I noticed she is very lively compared to a lot of American girls. I think that French women are more open to go out with older men. Thanks for your help. Steve Dillingham, El Paso
Steele Sez: I have no experience with French females other than when I was in the Army stationed on the French border of Germany. They all stunk, literally! So much for their sophisticated stereotype.
I sincerely believe that women everywhere are the same. However, if she came from France, she has been exposed to older man-younger woman possibilities in a positive light, unlike her American "sistahs." So, you will have that going for you. Do not discuss this topic with her until your second anniversary!
Congratulations on maintaining The Right Attitude at dinner. May you continue to maintain it until the end of the fourth month, when you can let it slip a bit, only a bit.
Further congratulations are in order for mastering Body Language Secrets and the concept of leading by example and understanding mirroring. I hope readers will have their collective awareness raised by your success in grasping one of the key features of courtship body language. It will also help readers understand the concept of "controlling" the situation by controlling yourself! GIFTS AND BODY LANGUAGE
Don, There is someone I work with that I am quite fond of. There isn't much office politics involved because it's a part time position.
Whenever we talk, things go great. Unfortunately, there isn't too much opportunity to chat, since it's usually always hectic.
I decided to go out on a limb and buy her a little gift. Nothing big, really, a little chocolate egg with a plastic toy inside.
She really seemed to love it! But I'm wondering if she loved it because someone just gave her a gift, or if it's because the gift was from me. What would be some body language signs I could look out for? No name, please.
Steele Sez: The only way to know if she liked the gift because it was from you is to know if she is interested and attracted to you. The only way to know that, is to interact with her and watch for the signs of interest during conversation.
Study Body Language Secrets, Do the homework. Become extremely aware of your own body language. Practice sitting and standing and talking just as if you are relaxed, confident, mildly interested and slightly aloof. Pretend you are an actor. Then, practice, practice, practice.
TIP: When you are acutely aware of your own body language, you automatically become acutely aware of everyone else's. ACCIDENTS DON'T HAPPEN
Don, Help! A woman bumps into me "accidentally" in the bookstore or the grocery store. I know that means she's interested. Tom Paulick, Seattle
Steele Sez: When she indicates interest by touching, wait a moment then smile, nod and say "Finding anything interesting?" Wait. Make certain your body language is open and relaxed. Make certain there are at least four feet between the two of you so that she does not feel threatened.
She will reply to your question with "No!" (fuck off) or "Not yet." (maybe) or she'll say, "Yes," (yes).
From there it is up to you to have something to talk about.
In a bookstore, talk about the books you like that you think women like. For example, body language intrigues most people. Celebrity bios are pretty popular with women.
A good self-revealing statement followed by a question is best. "I came in here to look for a book on John Wayne and I ended up reading this geeky stuff. I'm a programmer, can't help it. What were you looking for?"
As explained in all my books, reveal yourself first, then ask a question. It is important to have some safe, general self-revealing lines and a few general questions for her memorized. That way, the next time one "accidentally" bumps you, you're ready. Vince Lombardi and I do not believe in luck.
I can guarantee you that unless you're as suave as Gary Grant, as handsome as Tom Selleck, or as manly as Paul Newman, don't attempt humor or a flirty remark. Start out easy, you can always come on hard.
EYE CONTACT BASICS
Dennis asked how young women show their interest from across the room.
Steele Sez: Longer than socially appropriate eye contact indicates interest. Smiles signal, "Come over here and talk with me. I don't bite."
Your response to her long look is to smile and nod to acknowledge her existence. That also lets her know that you are interested. When she smiles back, go over and talk with her. Use the direct approach when you get there, "Hi. I'm Dennis. What's your name?" as you extend your hand to shake with her. There are about 40 other ways to tell when she's interested.
NECK TOUCHING LANGUAGE
This is from a recently divorced guy of 38 who is starting to "hear" what women say without words.
After reading your super Body Language Secrets, I have become extremely aware of women's signals. The woman I was talking with was touching and fingering the top buttons on her blouse, up by the neck. Is this the same as touching the necklace, or is it symbolic undressing?
Steele Sez: Necklace touching most likely. It always depends on the cluster of gestures surrounding the signal. I'm glad to hear you are becoming aware of what women are "saying" without words, but you are making the mistake everyone does when first mastering this information. I made it when I began. The mistake is that you zero in on one signal or gesture and focus on it.
Remember, one signal means nothing. Even two signals cannot be relied on. You must look for clusters of three or more signals. When she sends you three signals of interest in a row, that means she's interested.
Back to a woman fiddling with the top buttons on her blouse. That usually is a sign that you are coming on too strong or you may be too close physically. When you notice any sort of neck touching, immediately but diplomatically change the subject of conversation and move slightly back. She was signaling that she needs reassurance of your motives and sincere interest.
Master the concept of looking for clusters. Learn to notice one signal, then search for similar signals that follow the one you noticed.
Fine Point: When she's undecided, she sends mixed nonverbal signals even though she's smiling. This means you are doing okay. Keep it lightweight and superficial while sending nonverbal, positive signals of interest to her. Then, as I preach, let it happen.
SPREADS HER LEGS
This is from 40 year old Matt. He just finished reading Body Language Secrets.
My question is whether her posture and body language said something that should have triggered me to do something, like go over and talk with her.
As I walked back into the coffee section of the bookstore, I noticed the sexually enticing posture of a young wire-rimmed-glasses-wearing cutie. She was absorbed in her reading as I came within eyeshot. She was relaxed and reclined in her chair, about to slide off. Her legs spread 45 degrees, her tight jeans hugging her crotch with real evidence of labial contours in the denim. Yummy!
Is this the same as explained in Body Language Secrets when a woman faces you with the front of her body. You said this is evolution in action offering a sexual display of breast and crotch. If not, could she be nothing more than a tease? If not, does this unladylike posture indicate sexual arousal?
Answer 1: No, spreading her legs is not even remotely similar to facing you with the front of her body when she's sitting or standing. Spreading her legs and slouching in the chair indicates nothing more than being relaxed, comfortable, and confident and thus, unaware of her unladylike posture.
Comment 1: Any female who wears her jeans so tight that you can count her pubic hairs wants you to look at her pubic hairs.
Answer 2: She could be nothing more than a tease or she could be trolling for men by advertising her figure. In my lifetime, 90 percent of women who dress in sweaters, jeans or whatever that are tight-enough-to-draw-a-second look, are teases, thus they are of no interest to me. Or, they are so immature they don't realize how ridiculous they look, thus, they are of no interest to me.
Answer 3: That posture does not indicate sexual arousal. Being turned on is indicated by "high courtship readiness" postures and gestures as explained and shown in the photos, of Body Language Secrets. SHE'S MAKING EYES AT ME!
That's an old saying but I don't know what it means. I've heard it described as a repeated, rapid dilation of the eyes. Bill Taylor, Orange CA
Steels Sez: Dilation is a strong sign of attraction! However, it is difficult for men to consciously notice, except for expert poker players.
I remember the expression meaning, "He's flirting with his eyes." That is, giving strong, direct but friendly eye contact. His pupils may be dilated, but that's not the power. It is epitomized by Clark Gable as Captain Rhett Butler. With his head slightly tilted, he gave a manly glance with a pleased look on his face plus slightly raising his eyebrows in acknowledgment of the woman's beauty and presence.
Bill Sez: It also seems to be a learned and controlled function.
Steele Sez: Dilation is involuntary, impossible to control.
Bill Sez: I simply remember it as the warm and tingly feeling I used to get when looking deeply into a woman's eyes.
Steele Sez: That reaction is from becoming vulnerable to her vulnerability. Wonderful, but nothing to do with dilation. Being seen and seeing is what romantic mental health is all about. Knowing what you know and seeing what you see is what self-confidence is all about. Self-confidence, genuine self-confidence is what makes you attractive, sensual and sexual to women of all ages.
That's genuine self-confidence not the put on kind, not an act, not phony. The real thing. You get it from being successful and relaxed. Women spot it at 100 yards, just by the way you walk and carry yourself.
Bill Sez: I only notice it today in sincere lovers, but that can be really brief.
Steele Sez: Brief because it is so intense and most of us cannot stand too much intensity. I, myself, prefer intensity! It makes living in the now much easier as well as making each day memorable, as opposed to the way the days were all alike before I got divorced! To enjoy intensity, one must experience it over and over. Slowly, one realizes that intense pain and intense joy are what makes life worth living! By the way, you can't have one without the other! It's all or nothing.
Bill Sez: I confess to using it to try to warm up some interesting women.
Steele Sez: Not a good idea! Trying to see into her soul is an invasion and she'll react to it like that. When you relax and let down your walls, most women react positively and reciprocate almost immediately.
In other words, you have to go first and make yourself open and vulnerable. First with your body language, second with your tone of voice, third by your attitude of being relaxed and confident. It takes courage and practice to become vulnerable, but that's where it's at, my friend.
Women! Get OFFICE POLITICS: The Woman's Guide To Beat The System. In the next chapter, I describe it. OP is also extremely useful for men under 40 because 90 percent of it applies to guys.
Was this article helpful?