Let's go into each of these states.
Calmness: In order to think clearly, you have to be in a calm state of mind. You don't need to be zen-like in your calmness, just calm down a little in order to get your wits about you. Anger and anxiety are fast acting emotions, they come on quickly, but they can also cool down just as quickly. When you experience bad emotions, try to calm yourself. Take deep breaths, close your eyes, clear your head, say "I will calm down and think" three times to yourself. Same if you're feeling sad, lonely, or depressed. Find a sense of calm to soothe yourself with. The calmer you get, the better decisions you can make. The WORST thing you can do is make decisions based on emotion. Always try to calm yourself before you make any type of decision.
Clarification: As Joe Friday used to say "Just the facts ma'am." Once you've calmed yourself, it's time to look at the facts that are available to you and clarify exactly what it is you're feeling. Ask yourself:
1. What exactly am I feeling?
2. Does my behavior indicate I'm feeling this way?
3. What lies beneath these feelings?
Use these questions to clarify what you're feeling so you know how to fix it. For instance, if you want to approach a woman, but have a strong urge not to, ask yourself the first question...
Q: What exactly am I feeling? A: Anxiousness. I'm feeling anxious.
Q: Does my behavior indicate I'm feeling this way?
A: I'm avoiding talking to her, I'm procrastinating by looking for the right moment to approach, I'm thinking of every possible bad outcome that could happen, so yes, my behavior indicates anxiousness.
Q: What lies beneath these feelings?
A: I feel shame and self-pity, as if I'm not good enough or I'm going to fail. I prefer to feel safe with my bad feelings rather than take a chance to experience good ones. I prepare myself for failure instead of success.
Once you have clarification on what you are feeling and what's behind it, you're ready for the next step.
Challenge: To be confident, you have to firmly believe, beyond any shadow of a doubt, in your ability to succeed.
Life presents challenges, big and small, on a daily basis, and in order to meet these challenges, we need to free ourselves from fear and meet them head on if we are to overcome them.
But more than that, we must learn to issue challenges to ourselves. Humans are logical creatures with brains designed to solve problems. Most of our fears and anxieties are illogical constructs we've created for ourselves. So in order to overcome our fears, we must learn to challenge them.
Once you've calmed down and clarified your thoughts, you can recognize your bad habits and pinpoint the thoughts or beliefs that cause them. Once that happens, you must CHALLENGE those beliefs! Write out the three most common thoughts that fire off your negative feelings and then challenge those thoughts! Carry the challenges with you on a piece of paper if you must.
For instance, let's say you're feeling anxiety over approaching a girl. The first thought you write down is:
• "I'm not attractive or sexy enough for this woman. She'll reject me. I need a better body and more hair on my head."
Now, challenge this thought. Write down everything you can think of that negates it. Things like:
• "I don't know what this woman will find attractive, I may be just her type!"
• "What if she doesn't reject me? What do I do then?"
• "I'm going to lose weight and gain muscle. If she doesn't like my body now, she will eventually."
• "Bald men are sexy. I see women with bald men all the time. I don't need to have a lot of hair to attract a woman."
All these thoughts are true, and they challenge your negative thoughts quite well. Do this for every objection you can think of. Never allow a negative thought to go unchallenged!
Comfort: Too often, we surround ourselves with criticism and comparisons. We like to call ourselves stupid, fat, ugly, old, and losers. To us, comfort can be a completely foreign concept. But don't let the unfamiliarity scare you. Challenge yourself to succeed!
In order to comfort ourselves, we must find the words that appeal directly to our negative emotional habits that drive our anxiety, and replace them with words that drive our comfort.
The language of comfort is a phrase or a sentence that you create to become your own influential statement. You must repeat it every time you need to manage your negative emotions. I can't give you this phrase, because it's unique to each of us. Just like music, you must find something that appeals to you and your own sensibilities.
For an example, my phrase is "Be cool." If I find myself getting anxious or riled up about a situation, I'll start repeating this phrase in my head over and over. I like it because its meaning is two fold. I'm telling myself to calm down, but I'm also telling myself to project "coolness," or confidence.
What the words you choose mean, in and of themselves, is not important. What is important is the structure of them - a reminder, a title, a description, whatever it is that flips the switch in your brain to feel comfort. Maybe you love to be on the beach and find that comforting, perhaps your phrase will be "On the beach." Perhaps there's a certain song that makes you feel good, your phrase would be its title. It can even be as simple as "Calm down. It's no big deal."
Understand that our brains interpret everything you experience and trigger the emotions you feel. Your calm phrase can help your brain to re-interpret your situation and bring about the feelings you'd rather experience.
Confidence: Once you have the other four states down, confidence naturally follows. We all have confidence in certain areas. For instance, if you're reading this book, you're confident you have the ability to read, otherwise you wouldn't waste time with books, would you?
By the same token, are you confident you can eat when you're hungry? How do you know? Probably because you believe it is within your ability to get up, walk to the refrigerator, take out some food, put it in your mouth, chew, and swallow. You've done it so many times, you're supremely confident you can achieve this task.
Confident people live life believing that everything is within their capability.
They do not spend time thinking about failure, or criticizing themselves, putting themselves down, comparing themselves to others, etc. They move through life with a sense of calm, and challenge themselves to get what they want, feeling that everything is within their grasp. They don't dwell on failure, they move on. They don't look as obstacles as roadblocks, they look at them as something to be overcome.
As I talk about in the Art Of Approaching section of this book, Confidence stems from secure knowledge and competence. Once we know how to do something, we become confident we can repeat that task. Meeting and attracting women is no different.
People who lack confidence make their life difficult for themselves. Confidence opens up doors of opportunity you never knew existed. Just remember that persistence is the key to confidence. If at first you don't succeed, try and try again. Use the four other states I've given you to keep proceeding. Once you do succeed, you can repeat your success, until you are secure in your knowledge and competent in your actions. Then, and only then, will you know what true confidence feels like.
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